three times tingles

fears

Watching Divergent was also interesting - there was a fear simulation test and you were supposed to face your fears and get through the simulation. Tris was fearless- but most of us mere mortals will have our own fears as well.

Some of my fears are trivial. Like I’m afraid (or more like, grossed out) by lizards. Especially fat ones. Don’t really like frogs either. But I’m okay with cockroaches- like I won’t panic and die when I meet insects.

Some of my fears are more deep-seated. I worry about not being good enough. Not being adequate. Not being loving enough, not being the best I can be. Not being kind enough. The part where there was a glass wall between Tris and her friends was something I could relate to- social acceptance was something I encountered earlier when I was in Secondary Three especially.

Nowadays I care less about it- being bochup about people’s opinions means I live a less stress free life- I don’t need to pander to anyone’s whims just because I feel like I want your acceptance and I want you to like me. I come as I am and if you cannot take it, too bad lor..

Of course, being loved and being reminded it by friends through gestures and gifts is always a nice thing. The little insecure goblin in me will be temporarily be locked away because he is satisfied and happy.

I’m not sure. 

I have one fear- of being misunderstood. Sometimes I am apprehensive about showing love to people I care about-  in Chinese culture for family it might get a little bit embarrassing. For friends I hardly know as well but still like- sometimes I wonder if they think I’m trying too hard. But honestly I don’t really need much from you- just want to make you happy. You and I have our own tight circle of emotional supports and pillars- why I give to you is not because I want to be part of your circle or be your best friend- I just like you and think you’re a cool person, and I want you to know that! When people reject this I’m just like.. okay hold your horses bitches. Not like I’m in love with you so you can chill the hell out.

Fear of trying things ? I tend not to fear that much because I view failure differently- I mean like socially it might be uncool to fail so many times- kind of reflects your inability- but as Tumblr quotes strengthen me, failure, to me, means that I am one step closer to success than yesterday.

Came across a book in Kinokuniya about artists and how you can put your work out there. You can post in bite-sized information- you can share your process, thoughts, inspiration. But you should live out your work every day. Breathe and live with it.

I hope in life to find something so worthy and challenging to do. I want to pour myself in and love what I do. Maybe that’s my quest right now- to find the ‘calling’. For a while I thought it was HeartMagazine. I’m not even sure why that lost momentum, but what I gained was an incredible experience of passion and just losing yourself to a bigger cause other than yourself.

Things I loved about HeartMagazine:

  • The chance to showcase the work, talent, personalities of my amazing friends- through photographs, interviews and reviews. I like that I can curate and play the site to show off their strengths, I am proud of them and I want others to get to know their awesomeness. Sometimes I feel happiest when I can tell other people about the amazing people I meet and are friends with. But then when you look back at it- when you reflect it and direct it back internally- I have issues with expectations. I always try to break moulds and undue high expectations of people’s views of me- I hate to like.. not meet your expectations in a sense. I don’t really want to disappoint you- I’m not as talented or like a saint as you may think I am. But to me, when I see the goodness of others, I want to share it- maybe they have the same insecurity issues (or maybe cause we’re all brought up in the Asian ‘humility’-based environment, or maybe it’s just me.
  • In the same vein, it was something that let people be happy for me. Like maybe they’re like my friend is cool - you have something cool to tell your friend. In a sense I like that it’s my way of giving as well? Or receiving. Not too sure about direction. However please note I do not create HEARTM just cause I wanted to be cool -__-” . If you’re in my blogspace you should understand by now that being cool is an inherent thing for me. (hahahaha.) (I kid.) (you not.)

Moving away from HeartM,

again something I need to address is my outlook- in my blog I’m always about me me me oh my feelings me me me. Need to take a huge step and look outside of my ego- be more external looking perhaps? But then again maybe my extroversion is concentrated in my encounters in people, and my blog is where I practise all my inner reflections and thought processes. So there. Maybe here is where you may perceive me as being a really egoistic/narcissistic person. Well, I do not deny it.

 I’ll end the tirade of thoughts here today! Time to catch up on some sleep.

Loves xoxo <3

#blogpost    

self-fulfilling prophecies

another topic that cropped up in the course of the night:

I like to read horoscopes, personality test results etc- I often get results like “adventurer” and things on the YOLO side. Being an ENFP and Saggitaurus, my results usually look quite pleasant to me and I sometimes use them as ego boosters when I feel like shit or need to feel more secure.

In A New Awakening we learnt about separating the ego and the self. So you shed identities and keep them separate from your self- because your identities do not mean your true self. I used to hold on to many handles and hats- I liked to be identified as a sailor, a Dunmanian, a Homanite- titles and identifiers. Maybe these gave me a sense of security that I belonged somewhere.

I’m currently still in the stage of negotiating my self.

I’m not very sure about my direction in life- my thoughts and decisions fluctuate quite a lot. Sometimes I think I want to go into graphic design, sometimes I want to pour myself into music making. Don’t know if it’s just me making life difficult for myself when I can live simply and just not have such a grand big scheme for myself that I can chase to achieve.

So maybe the idea now is to stop reading so much personality test results and really get to know myself better. I always avoid the workshop Linghong and Wenxin recommends so much- the one on SEL- because I am scared as hell on what I will find. What if my core is not something I think it is? And honestly can any test really ascertain who I really am?

Kind of in an identity crisis and still figuring things out. 

#blogpost    

faith

Have been talking with Joseph, Stella & Boon on the subject of religion and I want to write it down before my memory starts to fail me again.

  • We are given choice on whether to love God or not. 
  • Obedience cannot be obedience if there is no alternative path- nothing to disobey.
  • To love and follow him would be better for us when we live life according to his ‘rules’.
  • The Jews are God’s people- but when Jesus came he emphasised more on the heart rather than rituals- for eg. he hung out with ‘sinners’ like lepers- people who were hard to love. 
  • Easy love vs Hard love
  • In some sense Christians are never perfect and that is why they will always need God.
  • Sin is the absence of love of God. So God did not create evil…?
  • Catholics give more emphasis to Mary- ie. she is also a way to reach Jesus
  • There are a couple of Marys in the bible (lol damn.)
  • Suffering etc are ways in which God lets you learn how to love…more about process. God never promised a perfect life for humans.
  • God does everything with a purpose- look in the grand scheme of things.
  • Having peace in your mind is not about absence of troubles, but rather peace in spite of troubles. Something like the quote on courage-courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the triumph over it.

As you can see I asked a wholeeeee bunch of questions, mostly over breakfast with Stella this morning. Thanks for your patience and also for waking me up. Haha :D

My question: Why does God even give a shit? 
I mean like he’s almighty after all, why would he care about trivial human affairs? Some speculation; maybe there are other universes and different Gods gain more strength through amassing followers (lol). I mean like Greek gods gain more influence and power when more followers sacrifce and pray to them - look at all the dedicated temples etc. 

And if God is the almighty, will he not be bored? Since there is no one on the same level of his power- isn’t a little lonely? And since everything he creates will just be another aspect of himself. So maybe he create humans to interact with them?

Hahhaa. Just some wild guesses. Am going to a church service this Good Friday just to check out what a conservative church is like! Kpo life. Will update this space so stay tuned~~

#blogpost    

irisnectar:

Rainbow easter ornaments by Jess Quinn Small Art 

(via sosuperawesome)

trendingly:

What Cities Would Look Like Without Lights

Click Here To See More!

(via twistedturns)

"do small things with big love"

This is a quote Jess always blogs about! I like it because it is relevant and manageable. 

I don’t have much money or much time- but I’ll give you all the love I have and that I can give. <3 Not always easy but I try to choose love. Even when I’m angry and angsty as hell. Yep.

But excuse me now while I go figure out my life eh?

#blogpost    
thescienceofjohnlock:

dream7790:

andiamburdenedwithgloriousfeels:

cas-in-the-sassbutt:

middleearthkingdom:

This is pretty much me in the shower

when you take a shower you turn into gollum?????
myyyy coNDITIONEERRRRRR

And when the conditioner gets in my eyes, I screech:
IT BURNS UUUSSSSSSSSSS



This turns up on my dash every few days and makes me laugh every time.

thescienceofjohnlock:

dream7790:

andiamburdenedwithgloriousfeels:

cas-in-the-sassbutt:

middleearthkingdom:

This is pretty much me in the shower

when you take a shower you turn into gollum?????

myyyy coNDITIONEERRRRRR

And when the conditioner gets in my eyes, I screech:

IT BURNS UUUSSSSSSSSSS

This turns up on my dash every few days and makes me laugh every time.

(Source: ponderouspocketwatch, via tiggerbounced)

days

Listening to : One Summer’s Day

Recently printed a couple of scores- was just playing this in the flying seed and it is emo as hell D:

RECOUNT!

DIVERGENT: This isn’t real.
Caught the movie with Chanel, yay for my movie buddy <3 Finally had my gongcha fix- oolong milk tea (the other Chanel’s recc which is now my default drink, lol) + pudding! Embarrassing thing was that I literally walked into a guy (or we walked into each other. (’s lives. LOL) and spilt milk tea on him zomg. Was amazingly calm though I just reached into my bag to get tissue lulz. And he was really smiley and nice about it so in my mind he is registered as a cute guy. LOL. Walking away I felt it was really like a korean drama and … finally felt damn embarrassed 恥ずかしいね~~. Spent the day avoiding grey shirt boys haha. 

Had nomnom my favourite Croquette burger from MOS while ahniao had the subway wrap!! The movie was pretty good- but haha I think I’m getting used to dystopian stuff- gets a little stale though they still have interesting concepts that they milk for all they’ve got. Like the Dauntless are the badass cool people- parkour and black outfits, rebels and the like. Then you have people like Tris, the protagonist, who is a Divergent (one who doesn’t fit the mould.) Well nobody wants to be a zombie so being unique is great. But what happens like when everybody wants to be unique? Then nobody is truly unique anymore no? 

Also finally pierced my ear- now I have 3 ear piercings in total. Walked around Far East looking for a decent shop- the first two I spied gave me the willies - they did tattoos too. Was leaving the building when I finally re-entered B1 and got it done in X-craft haha. Had two auntie ladies whom I was more comfortable with, compared to the bunch of tattooed guys D: in a small shop. *awkward*. Only cost me $5 :) Florence was playing during the piercing so I guess that was cool. Went to Ion and shamelessly took a selfie of my ear. Which is harder than it seems- you should try it. Hahah.

Also went to Kino to get some supplies, thanks to Eve’s birthday vouchers :))

Had an emotional night the other day as well-was feeling so troubled and emotionally upset. But now I completely isolated and trivialised it, not fair to hit me when I’m down. Over the past few days, I also got some work done!  Also made paper cats for friends and caught up on some reading- finished Catcher in the Rye and am currently reading A Thousand Acres- something I found in school.

Gonna have my last classes today of the semester and my graduate year. Am kinda meh about it though- borrrring. 

Might really get to see and touch horses soon, thanks to RDA and Bao!! :DDD Can’t wait.

Meanwhile some groups are falling apart but what to do? Groups are fluid, they are living organisms. We morph according to circumstances.

Alright, over and out. Love <3

#blogpost    

cherrispryte:

penguinperversion:

mlloydart:

Chalk Art by David Zinn

I love this.

The world is in need of more beautiful weirdness like this.

(via stupidcolourfulrainbows)

mymodernmet:

Lifestyle photographer Grace Chon recently turned the camera on her 10-month-old baby Jasper and their 7-year-old rescue dog Zoey, putting them side-by-side in the some of the most adorable portraits ever.

(via twistedturns)

camps.

Am watching my Sociology Religion video, Jesus Camp- and am reminded about a few things. Gonna share a couple of thoughts.

"You’re not going to be the same person you were today". 

Camps are amazing things and places for you to transform yourself. In more sociology terms, they provide a space for you to change- the idea of the liiminal. Break down your original identity, enter the liminal, form a communitas, and come out as a new person. Reborn.

I personally like camps. I love outdoor camps, I love that we spend time in camp groups, get to know each other better, soak in the company for a good 2-5 days in a foreign place where we are removed from our comfort zones. From our usual social spaces, our family, our schools. I like how social ‘classes’ and barriers are broken down- people make unlikely friends when given the chance (or maybe when forced to) to mix and hang out with each other. That’s why people leave camps with mixed feelings- glad to leave the grime perhaps, but happy and sad at the same time to have made new friends-yet to return to the old world- will these friendships last?

I am fortunate and blessed to have the chance to join many adventure camps and level camps that my schools have organised- am thankful to roll around in mud, white water raft, and things like that. Haha. I know not every school organises camps- especially not overseas ones so I am thankful and grateful for the chances I’ve got. I am also thankful for my friend Yilin who reverse- psycho-talked me to join Arts Camp. Thankful to join an active house and fun orientation group. Thankful for the chance to lead the OG in O-week. Thankful to have been the vice team manager so I could attend the NUS sports leadership camp for free and get to participate in so many fun activities and meet lots of aiseh sports people in NUS, and learn about their training & team spirit techniques and things like that.

Thankful for all the camps I have gone- they have shaped me and made me into who I am today. In awe of amazing facilitators who inspired me to be a facil as well- did a few clean camps (clean meaning non-muddy and non-outdoor, lol) with Yuting for a few years running (for a free shirt, that was my excuse, lol.). And also JC years etc. Never regretted being in camps, though in Uni I slowly got really tired from the politics as well.

Camps break you down. Make you look ugly, unglam, challenge yourself to do crazy cheers, dance on the streets, talk to strangers, speed friendmaking, HTHT with almost strangers, roll in the mud, carry each other in games, eat together, play gross games…  all in the name of fun.

Wow and I almost forgot about secondary SJAB camps. Every. Camp. makes you a better (?) squadmate and leader. A better cadet. A better instructor. Shit man the crazy stuff we went through. JNCO really broke me down physically and emotionally- I was so scarred haha. Hyperventilated and lost control completely, couldn’t move and do anything but bawl and bawl and bawl until I finally calmed down. First time kinda fainting and stuff- haha the stresses of being an IC. I think I disappointed many seniors haha for not stepping up to the test. But I’m sorry- you think I’m a dark horse but most of the time if I can’t do it, I can’t deliver. I’m sorry for failing your expectations I guess. 

Am really excited for the CAPT FOC camp coming up, though I have no part in it- am excited for my juniors who will be programming and running the camp, leading a new bunch of freshies. I hope you guys make the most amazing memories ever , because I hold my memories close to my heart and hope yours will be warm and fuzzy as well.

#blogpost    

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