Watching Divergent was also interesting - there was a fear simulation test and you were supposed to face your fears and get through the simulation. Tris was fearless- but most of us mere mortals will have our own fears as well.
Some of my fears are trivial. Like I’m afraid (or more like, grossed out) by lizards. Especially fat ones. Don’t really like frogs either. But I’m okay with cockroaches- like I won’t panic and die when I meet insects.
Some of my fears are more deep-seated. I worry about not being good enough. Not being adequate. Not being loving enough, not being the best I can be. Not being kind enough. The part where there was a glass wall between Tris and her friends was something I could relate to- social acceptance was something I encountered earlier when I was in Secondary Three especially.
Nowadays I care less about it- being bochup about people’s opinions means I live a less stress free life- I don’t need to pander to anyone’s whims just because I feel like I want your acceptance and I want you to like me. I come as I am and if you cannot take it, too bad lor..
Of course, being loved and being reminded it by friends through gestures and gifts is always a nice thing. The little insecure goblin in me will be temporarily be locked away because he is satisfied and happy.
I’m not sure.
I have one fear- of being misunderstood. Sometimes I am apprehensive about showing love to people I care about- in Chinese culture for family it might get a little bit embarrassing. For friends I hardly know as well but still like- sometimes I wonder if they think I’m trying too hard. But honestly I don’t really need much from you- just want to make you happy. You and I have our own tight circle of emotional supports and pillars- why I give to you is not because I want to be part of your circle or be your best friend- I just like you and think you’re a cool person, and I want you to know that! When people reject this I’m just like.. okay hold your horses bitches. Not like I’m in love with you so you can chill the hell out.
Fear of trying things ? I tend not to fear that much because I view failure differently- I mean like socially it might be uncool to fail so many times- kind of reflects your inability- but as Tumblr quotes strengthen me, failure, to me, means that I am one step closer to success than yesterday.
Came across a book in Kinokuniya about artists and how you can put your work out there. You can post in bite-sized information- you can share your process, thoughts, inspiration. But you should live out your work every day. Breathe and live with it.
I hope in life to find something so worthy and challenging to do. I want to pour myself in and love what I do. Maybe that’s my quest right now- to find the ‘calling’. For a while I thought it was HeartMagazine. I’m not even sure why that lost momentum, but what I gained was an incredible experience of passion and just losing yourself to a bigger cause other than yourself.
Things I loved about HeartMagazine:
- The chance to showcase the work, talent, personalities of my amazing friends- through photographs, interviews and reviews. I like that I can curate and play the site to show off their strengths, I am proud of them and I want others to get to know their awesomeness. Sometimes I feel happiest when I can tell other people about the amazing people I meet and are friends with. But then when you look back at it- when you reflect it and direct it back internally- I have issues with expectations. I always try to break moulds and undue high expectations of people’s views of me- I hate to like.. not meet your expectations in a sense. I don’t really want to disappoint you- I’m not as talented or like a saint as you may think I am. But to me, when I see the goodness of others, I want to share it- maybe they have the same insecurity issues (or maybe cause we’re all brought up in the Asian ‘humility’-based environment, or maybe it’s just me.
- In the same vein, it was something that let people be happy for me. Like maybe they’re like my friend is cool - you have something cool to tell your friend. In a sense I like that it’s my way of giving as well? Or receiving. Not too sure about direction. However please note I do not create HEARTM just cause I wanted to be cool -__-” . If you’re in my blogspace you should understand by now that being cool is an inherent thing for me. (hahahaha.) (I kid.) (you not.)
Moving away from HeartM,
again something I need to address is my outlook- in my blog I’m always about me me me oh my feelings me me me. Need to take a huge step and look outside of my ego- be more external looking perhaps? But then again maybe my extroversion is concentrated in my encounters in people, and my blog is where I practise all my inner reflections and thought processes. So there. Maybe here is where you may perceive me as being a really egoistic/narcissistic person. Well, I do not deny it.
I’ll end the tirade of thoughts here today! Time to catch up on some sleep.
Loves xoxo <3