I’m trying very hard not to run away from the problem but I cannot tackle this in a nice way. So I shall just let it be. Better to leave it then cause more damage right?
I’m sorry but I can’t. I’m trying hard to remember good things and good times but it is so difficult. I am unable to reconcile anything. I think our friendship never ran deep enough to warrant such fights.
Spent the recess week well- with great company and lots of fun. Even managed to study a little bit. Am going to miss university and everything really badly when it ends. Well I guess life goes on…Need to stop harping on the ‘I’m graduating’ note and just live life hard & fast.
My feelings change like the weather. Just a night’s difference and it all ended hahaha. Some of my big decisions come from dreams, or when I wake up, my mind’s all set. /shrug
Where do I go from here? Am still a child struggling to come to terms with the uncertain reality ahead. Trodden paths or not, I need to find my place and own it.
This year I learnt mostly to let go- of should-beens, have-beens and what-could-have-beens. If you were here it would make a difference but the fact is that you are not. So stop blaming everybody for what you have done and eat up your own consequences. Nobody owes anybody anything.
Spent Friday night with cc dy and wy in the lounge- studying, emoing over chinese ballads & Thor 2 + chocolate ice cream. Hhaa then went to explore trying to use my diaphgram. Woah it is soooo difficult haha need to train up the core and singing muscles.
Also played captain ball, bball x2, cycling + kayaking in ubin this week.. Am gonna head out to swim later too :> Had many foosball, air hockey matches, and also some music sessions. Also had some YOLO nights haha we are insane. Memories forged in the middle of the night haha :D
Also thanks to ahniao for popping by utown yesterday :) Glad to catch up just a little bit :> And great to meet Daphne too haha we haz fate yall. Miss everybody.
Havent been in this space for a while- I apologise. Need to pen down my thoughts….->
Realised I spent a lot of time today with people I love. Spent a lot of time laughing my guts off during the human knot game etc. Laughter is such a powerful thing. And when I feel meh-ish or anything, the company from familiar faces are the best. They may not know my life story, but they accept me anyways. Loves <3
YWV today. I’m really glad today went well! Learnt a lot from the mentor training session- I actually have a fear of trying to hang out with secondary school kids- which is why I don’t dare to be camp facils. Primary school kids are okay, but secondary school kids… I’m not so confident that I know how to interact with them. So today was really useful. In the end as long you lose your pride and focus on the relationship everything should be alright.
Bonding session- ended up with very little people but haha it was great fun! I really think they missed out haha. Oh well. Am proud of the team too for adapting quickly to the situation- I like team think and action. Also love the eggs.
Elvis raised two questions->
1. What makes you happy?
2. (I forgot the question oops)
My answer was something like… the world is running on human relationships. And if we are all running on a fuel called love, I would very much like to be good at giving and recieving it.
And the other response was something along the lines of being able to bring happiness to someone else.
AND HAHA! more happy news! Am glad to be going to the msia trekking camp with some of the capt people - I am going to have such bad withdrawal symptoms when I leave school. Will always be in love with the great outdoors.
Have been playing a lot of bball, trying to get my life on track and studying.. and preparing for upcoming performances :)) YOLO-ing it a little because it’s the lasst semester. Can’t believe time flew by so fast.
Was good to also meet people and get my life back a little. Missed my friends. Had a super shiok but spicy hotpot dinz with the Hs- then we went to ruin a couple’s date at a Fort Canning concert by being huge lightbulbs.. and hanging out doing kuku things. Also met up with my dearest Leelee I freeeeeaking missed you so much. And missed the beach too <3 And also met up with the babes for ramen & celebrating Serene’s birthday :)) Loveyall.
I have to start my career search soon though. Aish?
Wonder if I will be able to find a place where I can grow and be happy in. Have been living in places that are so sheltered and full of love- will I be able to transitition back to the sometimes ugly reality? Mmmhms.
Things that energise me- people & music.I did my MBTI again and I’m still the same. ENFP- I guess I feel energised by the people around me. So..I hope I get to do something related then :)
Need to say this again- my friend deserve medals for shit I pull. Thanks for being around, for giving me such a loving space and support when I need it. I try my best but sometimes I fall short of my own expectations. Thanks for loving me anyways.
Lots of stuff have been happening- I’m just glad to say I grew up over the course of these few weeks. Allowed myself to share, be vulnerable, to learn, to grow. To be rational, to be emotional, to see things in different light. To be courageous, to be disciplined, to maintain. To … do my self criticising thing again and sometimes accept myself. Forgive myself (okay I’m not really there yet but yeah) It’s a hurdle I find really, really hard to cross.
Glad it’s over in a sense haha it’s a relief to be released from all the emotional strain. Good to live free.
I hope that wherever I go, and whatever age I am- I can find my roots and stay anchored to the things that I think define myself. That energises me. That builds me. Like reading and music- I hope I never fall out of love of these, even when I fall out of love with various other things or people.
Going to have to bring focus back to my life and strive hard the next few weeks- must work and play hard.
Woke up at 6am this morning and trekked off to the Hindu temple for my project again! Less fear entering the temple again- familiarity is such comfort. Being early- also meant less devotees around! Awwh D: But I had interesting conversations and everyone was mostly friendly :)
Days have been pretty good! Trying to play catch up with school while having my play hard life.
Vday performance was fun! So much fun playing electric guitar- can’t wait to own one and play with distortion and shit. Haha. Also Stefan is a (YYYY) drummer and trumpeteer haha :D Also great to work with Charmaine, Edmund & Mic (thanks for lending me your guitar). <33
Vday was.. a little rushed haha. Didn’t have much time to prepare anything much- meetings and talks and projects and tests and stuff alllll week long D: Me no receive roses or a lot of chocolate this year but it’s okay! Am happy to receive love from everybody around me <33 Thanks to everybody who walked the extra mile just to bring joy to others :)
Went back to training- mmmhms I missed fielding. And god knows how much I love the dark, open night sky.
Also played le basket for two days :D Love my bball buddies- tons of nonsense haha. Friday morning was hilarious. Love the company :))
Met ongz on the road to CLIB- haha lol at our random meetings! This old-timer friend tells me things about myself that really just blows my mind. I thought I am being damn straightforward le leh… Maybe it’s all relative!
Went to the Total Defense exhibition in the national museum :D photos to follow :) Love the art too.
Turkey is also over for me, so let’s bring into focus Japan :)
Japanology- German for Japanese Studies (lol)
Tulpar chip & dip also ended! Totally got trolled- Sergio is my angel! LOL and I still had the cheek to complain about my angel during breakfast when he was there. HAHA still say will help me relay message to my angel HAHA shit haha got trolled. But he made a terrarium and gave it to me-YAY I LOVE IT !!! I always wanted one <3 Lol then my mortal Roy gave me chocolate ice cream so yay to that too ^^
Went for the career fair with Chris! Yay thanks to Chris for dragging me there haha I was so lazy. Submitted my resumes and checked out a couple of companies- wonder where I will end up in a few months. Yay also to freebies and die heftes (notebooks).
Meanwhile I’m trying to maintain and like, go slow. No point in hurrying I guess. But I’m such an impatient person.
Well. Let’s see where this road goes. Determined to walk it till the end- then we’ll see if it truly a dead-end.
8 February - such a long time coming. From conception, to execution.
What a long journey it was.
These few days have passed by really quickly.
Overall I’m glad that I am involved in the musical, and I’m really, really proud of everybody. And thankful for all the support. I think we made a really good first production! Such a blast :)
As a publicity head I would say I tried new things, made mistakes, learnt a lot. Went through hell and back, now everything looks trivial. Am thankful for rocks and solid friends and team mates! I am really glad to have known you all as well. Not much feels left now- maybe I’m too tired to go into any emotional state. In a state of null now.
Time to go back to real life, and enjoy the rest of the semester without THAT much worry. Missed everybody, my family, my life, my friends from outside CAPT (sorry guys…MIAed for quite a while).
Is this gonna be like… my last major school event? Or maybe graduation haha..
Making promises I can keep but don’t bother to- where does all this inertia come from? I must have lost my motivation somewhere. It might be possible that I have burnt out again- but is this because I’m really at the end of the candle and never had time to regenerate? And where can I find the time and space to do so? Life seems like a never-ending stream of possibilities- not all negative but certainly fast moving and rather frustrating when you cannot cope.
My conscience kills me every day.When I could have been the better person, the better friend, the better leader, the better citizen.
Maybe until I learn how to forgive myself for being human will life cease to be such misery.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for now. A break? No promises that life will be better after a break. No promises at all.
Somewhere along the lines something broke. Maybe I let the wound fester because I wanted to live in the pain.
I hate that I am no longer there. When I’m in classes, I’m not there. When I’m with friends, I’m not there. In conversations, I’m not there. Then where am I? I am sorry for being absent, even when physically I am beside you. I can’t even fully be asleep. It is difficult for me to stay focused and not worry about something. I hate being so out of control and not being to stay on top of all the events in my life.
The key to my lucid thoughts is simple. I write best when I read a lot. Maybe my brain is more well-prepped- the words flow easier.
Just finished reading Ready Player One and I am enjoying recognising some of the plot devices that I have learnt by reading another book. I am now about 7500 words into my raw as fuq straightforward fiction work but yeah haha I can’t believe that I even bothered to start writing, especially when I’m under such stress these few weeks. I guess stress does some crazy stuff to people, no?
Don’t expect like a killer work from me- I just need, and really want to create something out of words. It’s not a mega blockbuster- it’s a straightforward story really. Just excited to have it going for now. 7500/ 50 000 words! We can do this.
Meanwhile I am trying to pep myself up for the following week. Am not doing well for the semester. Emotionally I am all over the place. Not keeping up with school, music, family, friends or anything that I actually give a shit about. Am tempted as hell to attribute this to the thing that starts with the letter ‘M’ but in the end it just boils back down to me being inadequate. Ill-equipped. Careless.
Then again I’m not perfect so screw off really. Thanks again for people who stand by me. For insisting to help, to just stay by my side and check if I’m okay, seriously all of you are stars. I don’t even know how to express my thanks.
Spent like maybe a day gushing over a boy and I believe it is somewhat over. Haha well that was fast no? Easy to let go when it’s out there in the open, out of the system. /shrugs. I guess I fall in and out of love easily. Reaaaally easily.
Altogether this CNY has been a really mixed one.
Glad to have some downtime to read and study and sleep etc.
Glad to be back home with family and real dinner food.
Bad cause well no business is open and I can’t find a solution to my problem now.
Also paid a visit to ahma & ahgong at the temple today, before popping by to the Hindu temple adjacent to it. Was hella scary as fuq to enter it alone, what with the intention of taking photos in such a sacred holy place. The temple is gorgeous though, and the people were friendly! The one guy that I talked to turned out to be Prof Gana’s cousin. Lol what a small world. And a lady explained Ohm to me.. and basically woah the rituals and everything are so intricate !! I am so impressed haha.
Lately I have been very escapist. And maybe becoming very.. unreliable. Irresponsible maybe? A huge chunk of me wants someone to fly in to save my sorry ass. Right now that someone needs to like have a printing company and shizz. Yeah yeah but I know I have to mop up my own mess and well let’s just say I am… probably, possibly, not going to do things like that for a very long time if I could help it.
If anything this just erodes my commitment level again. Well I’m sorry. Broken people don’t want to stick around.
1. Although it’s natural to feel stupid or bad, don’t stay in the pit of self hatred and despair. It doesn’t mean you’re evil, or that nobody should like you. It just means you are human, and this time you got it wrong.
2. Try and gain perspective by looking for exceptions – and remembering those…