Can’t get to sleep again, and my mind went back to something Elvis said in one of our late night conversations during camp!
To practise mindfulness. To be in the present. To notice that you are breathing. To slow the fuq down.
Naturally I went to my guru TinyBuddha.com and found relevant articles. Looks like I’m caught up in some anxiety where I need to go somewhere, sometime, somehow. And quickly, successfully and awe-inspiringly. There’s so much social pressure and expectations really (self-inflicted or otherwise.)
I asked myself why I do certain things. Why am I pursuing this, why do I read this. Why do I act this way?
My answer is, perhaps I feel inadequate, and hence I always want to chase after new achievements and goals to feel, maybe just for a short while, a little bit better about myself. People like to tell me that they admire my thirst for learning new things, improving my skills and etc, but maybe this relentless chase really comes from a deep-seated fear of being inferior. Of not mattering.
It is sometimes also a struggle to reconcile what I like and what I might have to do for work. For example, I like reading about Greek mythology and basically just learning and reading. My language proficiency is nowhere fluent enough to be used for business purposes, but I have so much fun learning and speaking it. How does one apply such esoteric interests to a competitive society?
Problem (b). Am I never going to find like-minded people out there to share my world with me? I’ve gotten closer by enrolling in Arts and majoring in Sociology, but even with this narrowing down of people I don’t find people that are ‘like’ me. Personality wise, interests wise. This mostly frustrates, bores and worries me. It makes me feel very lonely when I cannot connect with anyone on a deeper level. My soul is sad.
Am also reading this very illuminating Social Psych chapter from Coursera- I can finally put proper researched terms to things I have thought about before when I was younger. (Ie. how we have different selves when we interact with different people- eg. with your mother, with your friends, with your teacher, etc. And if I have so many identities, am I a faux person, or am I still the same entity, and is this okay?)
Your close friends also know you- they can give you advice and see things where you cannot. They are your eyes. But I would feel this is only if they read you correctly. It is some kind of sad that my desktop wallpaper, the cover art for Nobody Knows Me At All cover with Lou, is.. just.. apt.
Today though, my dad read my mind like twice. I didn’t even say anything and he knows what I’m going to order, and when I’m just messing around as usual, he knows what to do. Well. I guess he does know me very well.
So, back to anxiety. What is the pull, and can I find my flow? Is flow where everything just happens and things you want/opportunities just fall in your lap? Does it feel like a stroke of magnificent luck for several days? Not sure, will get back to you on that one.
Meanwhile, maybe let’s do this one step at a time. Sometimes I don’t understand how I can be impatient yet scared at the same time.
Was lots of fun haha but I was kinda physically burnt out by the 3 day insomnia and energy intensive activities haha.
Had ramen with Dori at Bedok! And awesomez durian ice cream ohmygawd my new vice. Am very glad that she finds a lot of joy in her work :)
Had ramen yesterday too, with the Hs! Hahaha free taugay and eggs ftw!!! Had Melona ice cream omg wo hen xi huan :) Went watch hunting to no avail- and I shall look for a triangle black watch too hahaha indie hipster much? Was in a pick-fight mode yesterday- really grumpy from being tired!
Friendly- I think we made some good plays- this friendly was great practice and I hope everyone had fun :) The sun was blazing relentlessly though oh gosh too hot.
Wore heels to an interview and up to now my feet still hurt. D:
Went back to FOC to visit mah boys & crystal :) Was so good to see everybody else in CAPT though! <3 <3 Carol, Bao, Abi, Ernest, Edwin, Mike, Kaiying, Xiaodong, Suankai, Brandon, Chings and all the black Y2s!!
Was a super freeload senior though- ate and hung out and kinda became a burden D: Left my toiletries bag at home and didn’t have my contact lens box and solution. Joseph ze busy councillor borrowed solution for me though (trying not to pun here) wah I paiseh but thanks :))) Also thank you for your matric card lol I’m so sorry I forgot to bring it back:/
Hung out with Linghong too :) Hugs <3 Heehee L6 nua-ing ahahha. Missing your cushions and blankets.
Then hung out with Ken Elvis Crys CC!! We ate popcorn like old times wahahaha. Threw rafia string at CC. Played with rafia string w my fellow troller Elvis. HAHA. Talked till dawn, by then J C CC all sleep liao haha. Minds still functioning at 5-6am, not bad right?! :) So glad to catch Elvis before he flies for exchange in August :)
Morning!!! Went for bfast with CC & Elvis- then we sent some tehping over! Then I had a campus tour (thanks Jen!!)! HAHA was much fun and I’m super super thankful that Ken came along. Saved my ass with the chinese, troubleshooting and planning the route. Haha was great to have someone to plan stuff and facilitate the rather huge crowd. Wouldn’t have thought of OSA etc haha :) THANKS I OWE YOU :P And the kids were damn cute wth. Okay they’re not really kids kids but still, very young, friendly and basically a very sweet bunch. :’) 攀岩墙 bitches. HAHA :)
FOC BBQ~ Black seniors came back! Good to see everyone too :) Was mega tired again, but the sparklers were beautiful :) And yay to marshmallows :))) Didn’t take much photos in the end cuz it was really really dark ._.” Didn’t eat much either, not sure if feeling down from interview or shagness.