put it in perspective
saw a tumblr quote today- “release the stress, you were never in control anyway”.
Well that completely helps :D
Only Yesterday (1991), dir. Isao Takahata
These few days have been a blast :D
Just came back from ECP !!! Jioed a bunch of people from CAPT. Am super thankful for the sunny weather (previous night’s forecast was thunderstorms over the east) & even more so for the fun company!!
With the pretty flowers :>
We cycled & bladed! Thanks weixuan for this convenient shop at Blk 80. Sadly the rollerblades rental was EXORBITANT!! $10 for the first hour and $7 for every additional hour. Siao liao.. Wenyi decided to rent a bike instead. Ohwellz ><.
Some topics that came up during blading/cycling-> Haha Wenyi mentioned this concept called ‘remembering to forget’- something she learnt about in class! It’s like me blogging- so that I can offload everything and like get on with my life. Place the memories somewhere probably more reliable than my own brain.
Found a tortoise by a patch of grass and they named it Crystal. LOLOL. The two boys transported it back into a pond- holding it in their hands/frisbee while cycling up/down slopes UP THERE HAHA! The amount of judgey faces they had to face while holding the tortoise lolol.
Emo shot of Crystal.
AHAHA. but the real Crystal baked NOMMY CHOCOLATE CHIP CHOCOLATE COOKIES!! I am currently in trusted custody of the entire supply muahahahaha.
Us at the jetty :D Never actually been out there before- a pretty place with a lot happy fishermen and families. Would be perfect if there was an ice cream man!!
Yay to blading :D Been a while since I’ve hit the road in ECP. Got to soak my feet in the sea while waiting too heheh. Passing by NSC also gives me soooo many feels. Meanwhile I still suck at slopes- one slope really made my heart kinda go crazy haha was gripped with fear LOL
We went at it for an hour or two before having lunch at Subway & sugar cane juice yay. Escape into an air-con place ahhaa.
Went to Chomp Chomp for the first time :D Yay to old company- rolled my eyes SOOOOO many times that night HAHA. Yay to yummy food too :D Thanks JT and Ong for the car rides! Went to ong’s current place- LOL deja vu much?!?!?
Unfortunately no group photo but we have a glam #nofilter shot of the belated birthday girl->
I was really amazed by the hugeass cup of sugar cane juice omg.
Love you all xoxo :D
Also met up with LEELEEEEE to celebrate her birthday!!
Hansup ice cream with our triple scoop of sea salt caramel, green tea & belgian chocolate. NOMZ!! This is at Ice Cream Gallery anyways.
Also had fries at Smith’s :D Had lots of fun catching up :) Really cool to hear about Leelee’s workplace and sharing silly things and cute instagram animals. Hahaha. And of course playing with filters and shit like that :D
Went home and just about finished Great Expectations by Charles Dickens- a book I have been reading over several weekends. Liked the twists at the end- it gradually became more exciting!
Also read A Thousand Acres - won a Pulitzer prize. Maybe it’s the subject matter but I’m not very impressed. *shrugs* Ah well. 23/100 :) Lezzgo!!
More pictures from earlier on the week-> me and cha at our movie date :D ie. the gongcha boy day
^ Me at my first paid gig. Thanks ONG :DDD <3
It was fun but I got moved from 2nd slot to third because I didn’t need an amp- waiting around makes me S-U-P-E-R nervous. Ended up being painfully shy though yes I delivered the songs. AGHHH LOL
The crowd was quite nice, though really testing their patience haha so many acts while they eat. I guess I’m a cafe singer- with the genre that I sing. Will upz my guitar skill !!! And.. hope to come back strong after a hiatus- with a public gig possibly? :D We’ll see after my graduation and overseas trips!
Ending this post with a legit picture of my EAR.
You have no idea how hard it is to take a selfie of your ear.
Was discussing Jesus Camp, our sociology module video with Boon & was invited to his church for Good Friday! As a kpo sociologist I was interested to go because his was a conservative church- I have only been to a charismatic one a few years ago- I wanted to see how it was different!
My first experience years ago- the service was very centred on youth , the church was young, the pastor was a female. In many ways it was a modern pentecostal church. Left the church with a bad taste however- things were getting pretty aggressive- I think my friend expected me to convert at the end- but I couldn’t follow and read the words on the card about accepting Jesus. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t willing either- entering a religion means a lot to me and I am not just gonna do it like that- such a haphazard decision. Nope.
So this time- take away the lights, the glitz and the youth- and take away all the pressure. Boon knows I’m kinda there to observe- I don’t feel any pressure whatsoever. Firstly wanna thank Boon for the invite :)
Woke up early on Good Friday- travelled all the way to AMK! But I had the feeling everything was gonna be fine. And so it was. I am glad to have went.
Boon was very patient and explained stuff - but while we entered the compound I said stuff like ‘Soci mode on’ hahaha. It’s fun when sociologists get together and over-analyse everything haha. Job hazard.
Boon’s church - more families, Methodist, and it was the first time I actually sat on a pew! The church building is quite new- Boon explained that it underwent renovation and stuff and their services used to be held in AMK cinema theatres. Haha.
So there was praise/worship (singing, basically. I forgot the correct term lols), led by a couple of people on stage. The lyrics were flashed on the two projector screens- the melodies not very hard to follow. The best part of these sessions- I can see people enjoying it and having their hands and palms outwards & outstretched. I felt a presence - not sure if because of the music or what but yeah.
But then I also know I am actively resisting it. More on that later.
There was a lady dancing it out in front of us. I spot an Indian couple and also several old people. The choir, part of the traditional service (this was a conservative one) - was dressed neatly in white and black- the funny thing is that when they sang- it had a distinct Singaporean sound to it. Lolol. Like maybe watch too much TV- the church choirs I am used to hearing are concocted of very strong, and usually black voices, Haha.
Awkward moment when the pastor said ’ If this is your first time here, please raise your hand’. Hello, no. I shy, didn’t raise but BOON THE TRAITOR!!! raised his hand and I received a gift from their church. Wah I was so paiseh haha. People start to shake your hand to welcome you. Hahah. Boon says this is his favourite part of bringing people to church. Hahah.
(Anyway the gift is a recipe book compiled by the members of the church, yumyum! Together with a book stand. Thank you !!)
Then the sermon- “Who killed Jesus?”
I found the sermon easy to follow and understand. My previous experience- I think it was targeted at youth and sometimes maybe I’m too old for the category of ‘youth’ (secondary school?) and I didn’t take much away. Will briefly share about what this pastor said here->
First we went through some verses- in Mark (dunno which number, haha.) Boon helped me find the pages in the Bible- lol so noobz. Basically it’s where this priest and a bunch of people accuse Jesus and the events that follow up to the actual crucifixion.
So the pastor split who killed Jesus into 4 categories- the Priest (Caiphus?) , the soldiers, the crowd and Judas.
I like how the pastor shared about his own struggle with pride - like how being invited to other churches for sermons sometimes makes him reflect on why he is happy to receive the invite- is it because he genuinely wants to spread God’s word, or is it because he wants to build a reputation for himself? It’s so not easy admitting things like that to a whole hall of people- people who look up to you as a leader and also respect you. Woahh.
Basically he went through each category- and how we sometimes find qualities like pride, ignorance etc manifesting in our own actions.
Then we ended off with an emo video and it was time to sing again. Lots of handshaking at the door where everybody leaves for the free buffet (I didn’t go, too crowded!!) Boon said he was not used to the church being so full of people. A couple of CAPT people were there- also invited for the GF service. Haha.
Lots to think about- ie. my resistance. I think it has something to do with me and how I can’t receive love properly. Like I know if only I accept and open my heart, surrender myself maybe, I too can bask in what they call God’s love. But even though I feel the presence, know what I can receive, I just can’t seem to do it. Maybe I like living and wallowing in my own suffering. *shrugs*
Either way, it was nice to be in the presence, and nice to know someone else’s god. I can see how people are recharged by weekly services-how you can walk out of church feeling more refreshed, and being reminded and ‘directed’ by a sermon- things to apply to your life. And to find a like-minded community as well. (Seems like a bubble community though- like once you step outside it’s back in the real world- while inside everybody is nice and have the same goals- to glorify God etc. Can understand why people want to just hang out with their church friends etc. Actually this is a really sore point for me cause after that my first service friend kinda stopped talking to me- makes me question whether I am not worthy to be a friend just because I do not have the same faith as you. Happened again in a separate event with a different person- makes you wonder really when people say things like oh we love everybody. Hmm. Food for thought.)
I saw many families and their children- amazing how the whole family can have the same faith together.
Overall I found the service pleasant and am thankful to have a chance to see what service is like! I can see how it is useful for people- to recharge, reorganise your thoughts and life, and for people to connect with each other. A community that is strong.
I’ll end here :) Path of finding my religion will continue, albeit slowly.
How can you NOT find this cool?
This look never means anything good is going to happen.
Watching Divergent was also interesting - there was a fear simulation test and you were supposed to face your fears and get through the simulation. Tris was fearless- but most of us mere mortals will have our own fears as well.
Some of my fears are trivial. Like I’m afraid (or more like, grossed out) by lizards. Especially fat ones. Don’t really like frogs either. But I’m okay with cockroaches- like I won’t panic and die when I meet insects.
Some of my fears are more deep-seated. I worry about not being good enough. Not being adequate. Not being loving enough, not being the best I can be. Not being kind enough. The part where there was a glass wall between Tris and her friends was something I could relate to- social acceptance was something I encountered earlier when I was in Secondary Three especially.
Nowadays I care less about it- being bochup about people’s opinions means I live a less stress free life- I don’t need to pander to anyone’s whims just because I feel like I want your acceptance and I want you to like me. I come as I am and if you cannot take it, too bad lor..
Of course, being loved and being reminded it by friends through gestures and gifts is always a nice thing. The little insecure goblin in me will be temporarily be locked away because he is satisfied and happy.
I’m not sure.
I have one fear- of being misunderstood. Sometimes I am apprehensive about showing love to people I care about- in Chinese culture for family it might get a little bit embarrassing. For friends I hardly know as well but still like- sometimes I wonder if they think I’m trying too hard. But honestly I don’t really need much from you- just want to make you happy. You and I have our own tight circle of emotional supports and pillars- why I give to you is not because I want to be part of your circle or be your best friend- I just like you and think you’re a cool person, and I want you to know that! When people reject this I’m just like.. okay hold your horses bitches. Not like I’m in love with you so you can chill the hell out.
Fear of trying things ? I tend not to fear that much because I view failure differently- I mean like socially it might be uncool to fail so many times- kind of reflects your inability- but as Tumblr quotes strengthen me, failure, to me, means that I am one step closer to success than yesterday.
Came across a book in Kinokuniya about artists and how you can put your work out there. You can post in bite-sized information- you can share your process, thoughts, inspiration. But you should live out your work every day. Breathe and live with it.
I hope in life to find something so worthy and challenging to do. I want to pour myself in and love what I do. Maybe that’s my quest right now- to find the ‘calling’. For a while I thought it was HeartMagazine. I’m not even sure why that lost momentum, but what I gained was an incredible experience of passion and just losing yourself to a bigger cause other than yourself.
Things I loved about HeartMagazine:
- The chance to showcase the work, talent, personalities of my amazing friends- through photographs, interviews and reviews. I like that I can curate and play the site to show off their strengths, I am proud of them and I want others to get to know their awesomeness. Sometimes I feel happiest when I can tell other people about the amazing people I meet and are friends with. But then when you look back at it- when you reflect it and direct it back internally- I have issues with expectations. I always try to break moulds and undue high expectations of people’s views of me- I hate to like.. not meet your expectations in a sense. I don’t really want to disappoint you- I’m not as talented or like a saint as you may think I am. But to me, when I see the goodness of others, I want to share it- maybe they have the same insecurity issues (or maybe cause we’re all brought up in the Asian ‘humility’-based environment, or maybe it’s just me.
- In the same vein, it was something that let people be happy for me. Like maybe they’re like my friend is cool - you have something cool to tell your friend. In a sense I like that it’s my way of giving as well? Or receiving. Not too sure about direction. However please note I do not create HEARTM just cause I wanted to be cool -__-” . If you’re in my blogspace you should understand by now that being cool is an inherent thing for me. (hahahaha.) (I kid.) (you not.)
Moving away from HeartM,
again something I need to address is my outlook- in my blog I’m always about me me me oh my feelings me me me. Need to take a huge step and look outside of my ego- be more external looking perhaps? But then again maybe my extroversion is concentrated in my encounters in people, and my blog is where I practise all my inner reflections and thought processes. So there. Maybe here is where you may perceive me as being a really egoistic/narcissistic person. Well, I do not deny it.
I’ll end the tirade of thoughts here today! Time to catch up on some sleep.
Loves xoxo <3
another topic that cropped up in the course of the night:
I like to read horoscopes, personality test results etc- I often get results like “adventurer” and things on the YOLO side. Being an ENFP and Saggitaurus, my results usually look quite pleasant to me and I sometimes use them as ego boosters when I feel like shit or need to feel more secure.
In A New Awakening we learnt about separating the ego and the self. So you shed identities and keep them separate from your self- because your identities do not mean your true self. I used to hold on to many handles and hats- I liked to be identified as a sailor, a Dunmanian, a Homanite- titles and identifiers. Maybe these gave me a sense of security that I belonged somewhere.
I’m currently still in the stage of negotiating my self.
I’m not very sure about my direction in life- my thoughts and decisions fluctuate quite a lot. Sometimes I think I want to go into graphic design, sometimes I want to pour myself into music making. Don’t know if it’s just me making life difficult for myself when I can live simply and just not have such a grand big scheme for myself that I can chase to achieve.
So maybe the idea now is to stop reading so much personality test results and really get to know myself better. I always avoid the workshop Linghong and Wenxin recommends so much- the one on SEL- because I am scared as hell on what I will find. What if my core is not something I think it is? And honestly can any test really ascertain who I really am?
Kind of in an identity crisis and still figuring things out.
Have been talking with Joseph, Stella & Boon on the subject of religion and I want to write it down before my memory starts to fail me again.
- We are given choice on whether to love God or not.
- Obedience cannot be obedience if there is no alternative path- nothing to disobey.
- To love and follow him would be better for us when we live life according to his ‘rules’.
- The Jews are God’s people- but when Jesus came he emphasised more on the heart rather than rituals- for eg. he hung out with ‘sinners’ like lepers- people who were hard to love.
- Easy love vs Hard love
- In some sense Christians are never perfect and that is why they will always need God.
- Sin is the absence of love of God. So God did not create evil…?
- Catholics give more emphasis to Mary- ie. she is also a way to reach Jesus
- There are a couple of Marys in the bible (lol damn.)
- Suffering etc are ways in which God lets you learn how to love…more about process. God never promised a perfect life for humans.
- God does everything with a purpose- look in the grand scheme of things.
- Having peace in your mind is not about absence of troubles, but rather peace in spite of troubles. Something like the quote on courage-courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the triumph over it.
As you can see I asked a wholeeeee bunch of questions, mostly over breakfast with Stella this morning. Thanks for your patience and also for waking me up. Haha :D
My question: Why does God even give a shit?
I mean like he’s almighty after all, why would he care about trivial human affairs? Some speculation; maybe there are other universes and different Gods gain more strength through amassing followers (lol). I mean like Greek gods gain more influence and power when more followers sacrifce and pray to them - look at all the dedicated temples etc.
And if God is the almighty, will he not be bored? Since there is no one on the same level of his power- isn’t a little lonely? And since everything he creates will just be another aspect of himself. So maybe he created humans to interact with them?
Hahhaa. Just some wild guesses. Am going to a church service this Good Friday just to check out what a conservative church is like! Kpo life. Will update this space so stay tuned~~