just press play
this is 300% more in-character, though, are we all clear on that
Can’t get to sleep again, and my mind went back to something Elvis said in one of our late night conversations during camp!
To practise mindfulness. To be in the present. To notice that you are breathing. To slow the fuq down.
Naturally I went to my guru TinyBuddha.com and found relevant articles. Looks like I’m caught up in some anxiety where I need to go somewhere, sometime, somehow. And quickly, successfully and awe-inspiringly. There’s so much social pressure and expectations really (self-inflicted or otherwise.)
I asked myself why I do certain things. Why am I pursuing this, why do I read this. Why do I act this way?
My answer is, perhaps I feel inadequate, and hence I always want to chase after new achievements and goals to feel, maybe just for a short while, a little bit better about myself. People like to tell me that they admire my thirst for learning new things, improving my skills and etc, but maybe this relentless chase really comes from a deep-seated fear of being inferior. Of not mattering.
It is sometimes also a struggle to reconcile what I like and what I might have to do for work. For example, I like reading about Greek mythology and basically just learning and reading. My language proficiency is nowhere fluent enough to be used for business purposes, but I have so much fun learning and speaking it. How does one apply such esoteric interests to a competitive society?
Problem (b). Am I never going to find like-minded people out there to share my world with me? I’ve gotten closer by enrolling in Arts and majoring in Sociology, but even with this narrowing down of people I don’t find people that are ‘like’ me. Personality wise, interests wise. This mostly frustrates, bores and worries me. It makes me feel very lonely when I cannot connect with anyone on a deeper level. My soul is sad.
Am also reading this very illuminating Social Psych chapter from Coursera- I can finally put proper researched terms to things I have thought about before when I was younger. (Ie. how we have different selves when we interact with different people- eg. with your mother, with your friends, with your teacher, etc. And if I have so many identities, am I a faux person, or am I still the same entity, and is this okay?)
Your close friends also know you- they can give you advice and see things where you cannot. They are your eyes. But I would feel this is only if they read you correctly. It is some kind of sad that my desktop wallpaper, the cover art for Nobody Knows Me At All cover with Lou, is.. just.. apt.
Today though, my dad read my mind like twice. I didn’t even say anything and he knows what I’m going to order, and when I’m just messing around as usual, he knows what to do. Well. I guess he does know me very well.
So, back to anxiety. What is the pull, and can I find my flow? Is flow where everything just happens and things you want/opportunities just fall in your lap? Does it feel like a stroke of magnificent luck for several days? Not sure, will get back to you on that one.
Meanwhile, maybe let’s do this one step at a time. Sometimes I don’t understand how I can be impatient yet scared at the same time.