we’re all trying our best
Can’t get to sleep again, and my mind went back to something Elvis said in one of our late night conversations during camp!
To practise mindfulness. To be in the present. To notice that you are breathing. To slow the fuq down.
Naturally I went to my guru TinyBuddha.com and found relevant articles. Looks like I’m caught up in some anxiety where I need to go somewhere, sometime, somehow. And quickly, successfully and awe-inspiringly. There’s so much social pressure and expectations really (self-inflicted or otherwise.)
I asked myself why I do certain things. Why am I pursuing this, why do I read this. Why do I act this way?
My answer is, perhaps I feel inadequate, and hence I always want to chase after new achievements and goals to feel, maybe just for a short while, a little bit better about myself. People like to tell me that they admire my thirst for learning new things, improving my skills and etc, but maybe this relentless chase really comes from a deep-seated fear of being inferior. Of not mattering.
It is sometimes also a struggle to reconcile what I like and what I might have to do for work. For example, I like reading about Greek mythology and basically just learning and reading. My language proficiency is nowhere fluent enough to be used for business purposes, but I have so much fun learning and speaking it. How does one apply such esoteric interests to a competitive society?
Problem (b). Am I never going to find like-minded people out there to share my world with me? I’ve gotten closer by enrolling in Arts and majoring in Sociology, but even with this narrowing down of people I don’t find people that are ‘like’ me. Personality wise, interests wise. This mostly frustrates, bores and worries me. It makes me feel very lonely when I cannot connect with anyone on a deeper level. My soul is sad.
Am also reading this very illuminating Social Psych chapter from Coursera- I can finally put proper researched terms to things I have thought about before when I was younger. (Ie. how we have different selves when we interact with different people- eg. with your mother, with your friends, with your teacher, etc. And if I have so many identities, am I a faux person, or am I still the same entity, and is this okay?)
Your close friends also know you- they can give you advice and see things where you cannot. They are your eyes. But I would feel this is only if they read you correctly. It is some kind of sad that my desktop wallpaper, the cover art for Nobody Knows Me At All cover with Lou, is.. just.. apt.
Today though, my dad read my mind like twice. I didn’t even say anything and he knows what I’m going to order, and when I’m just messing around as usual, he knows what to do. Well. I guess he does know me very well.
So, back to anxiety. What is the pull, and can I find my flow? Is flow where everything just happens and things you want/opportunities just fall in your lap? Does it feel like a stroke of magnificent luck for several days? Not sure, will get back to you on that one.
Meanwhile, maybe let’s do this one step at a time. Sometimes I don’t understand how I can be impatient yet scared at the same time.
I probably want to go Summer Sonic because of BECK and ‘The Greatful Sound’. Anime shapes me so much HAHA
new found respect for psych students- this shit is mind boggling.
Had a helluva week!
Was lots of fun haha but I was kinda physically burnt out by the 3 day insomnia and energy intensive activities haha.
Had ramen with Dori at Bedok! And awesomez durian ice cream ohmygawd my new vice. Am very glad that she finds a lot of joy in her work :)
Had ramen yesterday too, with the Hs! Hahaha free taugay and eggs ftw!!! Had Melona ice cream omg wo hen xi huan :) Went watch hunting to no avail- and I shall look for a triangle black watch too hahaha indie hipster much? Was in a pick-fight mode yesterday- really grumpy from being tired!
Friendly- I think we made some good plays- this friendly was great practice and I hope everyone had fun :) The sun was blazing relentlessly though oh gosh too hot.
Wore heels to an interview and up to now my feet still hurt. D:
Went back to FOC to visit mah boys & crystal :) Was so good to see everybody else in CAPT though! <3 <3 Carol, Bao, Abi, Ernest, Edwin, Mike, Kaiying, Xiaodong, Suankai, Brandon, Chings and all the black Y2s!!
Was a super freeload senior though- ate and hung out and kinda became a burden D: Left my toiletries bag at home and didn’t have my contact lens box and solution. Joseph ze busy councillor borrowed solution for me though (trying not to pun here) wah I paiseh but thanks :))) Also thank you for your matric card lol I’m so sorry I forgot to bring it back:/
Hung out with Linghong too :) Hugs <3 Heehee L6 nua-ing ahahha. Missing your cushions and blankets.
Then hung out with Ken Elvis Crys CC!! We ate popcorn like old times wahahaha. Threw rafia string at CC. Played with rafia string w my fellow troller Elvis. HAHA. Talked till dawn, by then J C CC all sleep liao haha. Minds still functioning at 5-6am, not bad right?! :) So glad to catch Elvis before he flies for exchange in August :)
Morning!!! Went for bfast with CC & Elvis- then we sent some tehping over! Then I had a campus tour (thanks Jen!!)! HAHA was much fun and I’m super super thankful that Ken came along. Saved my ass with the chinese, troubleshooting and planning the route. Haha was great to have someone to plan stuff and facilitate the rather huge crowd. Wouldn’t have thought of OSA etc haha :) THANKS I OWE YOU :P And the kids were damn cute wth. Okay they’re not really kids kids but still, very young, friendly and basically a very sweet bunch. :’) 攀岩墙 bitches. HAHA :)
FOC BBQ~ Black seniors came back! Good to see everyone too :) Was mega tired again, but the sparklers were beautiful :) And yay to marshmallows :))) Didn’t take much photos in the end cuz it was really really dark ._.” Didn’t eat much either, not sure if feeling down from interview or shagness.
Monday- was busy doing work and all- brain was fried and I was so tired from the insomnia and day activities that I was zoning out during training. Which is good because my mind only focuses on that. That and the addictive song Rude.
Funny how I joined softball just 2-3 years ago when I first entered NUS. Wednesdays and Saturdays were days I blocked off for these years. My seniors were patient with me and taught me all they knew. They encouraged me, yelled at me, - everything to help me improve. Sometimes I felt like shit but at the end of the day I know that it will all be worth it.
Went to watch my first game in Kallang, can’t remember if I was on the field or the bench but it was sooooo awesome. My favourite diamond is the open one- I liked the space.
Some softball milestones & memories in my life:
1. First training- touched base with Eriks who was the manager then- got hit on the mouth during training by Suyee, my lips bled. But I came back again.
2. Started to learn batting from many many people, Fadz changed my batting stance from righty to lefty. So I field right and bat left now. When I get ready to bat, the fielders will be like ‘lefty!’. Hopefully one day I’ll be strong enough to make them go “stand back!” Hahaha.
3. The day Li en adjusted my hips during training and I found new power in throwing- needed that so much to do outfield better.
4. Outfield training/pedalling in Chiangmai by Liping.
5. Zesa’s hiong fielding trainings- thats what the previous training reminded me of- the consecutive fielding. Not scared or even resentful for it, I just want to improve. Sengwei’s sliding practice.
6. Encouragement on the field. The feeling of security with Suyee as 1, Eriks on 2. Me on right, Li en as center.
7. My first game as an outfielder, my first run home. My jersey, my cap, my slacks. My first football shoes. My first glove. My many batting gloves that are actually golf gloves. Haha. Long socks.
8. Jamming my thumb when throwing with Yawen, end up skipping training for a while.
9. Witnessing home-runs by SJ and Yawen
10. My favourite blue Catalyst bat.
11. Fking up in outfield and catching flies during matches. Being so frustrated and relieved.
12. Sixian’s words of encouragement and guidance all the way. :’)
Grew to love softball, grew to love batting, fielding, outfield, sometimes infield, sprinting, running, training. Love my team mates, love my field, the gorgeous night sky, picking balls from the drains.
Love very much.
I think I’ve grown a lot all around. Mentally, physically, experience wise. Not perfect but definitely someone better than the clumsy freshman who could not throw far, had awful fielding, had fears of being hit during long hits, shirking training feels etc.
Just feel many loves. <3 I just want to try harder.
Haven’t been resting well lately. I get really tired from the day’ activities like training and going outdoors but when I go home, somehow I can’t fall asleep. 5am, 3am- and I still struggle to fall asleep. I’m really exhausted and my body wants to rest. But when I close my eyes I see flashes of light- probably ‘brain activity’?!
This is a real pain in the ass because I really like sleeping and it’s really affecting my mood and energy levels. So tired !!!!
Possible causes- stress again maybe. This is what happens when I am unrestricted to do anything. I cram myself with with goals and projects - and then I feel mega stressed out because I wanna complete them.
Maybe I should really learn that I’m no superwoman and cut it all down. Biting off more than I can chew.
but I’ll give it all I’ve got :)
In other news, sent out more resumes & made good progress with my online course assignments & projects :)
Cheers to you :)
I’m gonna marry her anyway//
Okay so I finally recorded a video of me doing a mash-up I arranged a while ago. LOL. My previous attempts pretty much failed- so I just took a leaf out of Gabe Bondoc’s music videos- do like one take. Stop being perfectionist and shit cause REAL ARTISTS SHIP.
Yeah so lol I uploaded it even with the me going off a little bit hahahaha. Ah well :)
Hopefully will take this more seriously and make more music for everybody <3
Aiming for a live gig though!! :)Thanks for all your support friends and skyedivers ;) And for liking/sharing/commenting my video!! Shared it for the first time on FB and I am quite surprised hahaha damn sweet everybody. <3
Thank you. I hearts.
Aud: You smiled at me right after I clicked the ‘Like’ button!!!
Weixuan (after sharing my vid on FB): Say first my endorsement might not be very effective. It’s me endorsing after all LOL
HAHAHAHAHAHA friends you damn funny !!!
Haha FB is pretty amazing. Have been receiving surprising messages of encouragement, thank you all. xoxo
So… I finally show my *beautiful* face HAHAHA SO PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE IF YOU PLEASE <3
Many loves and many thank yous.
Timber x DJ Got Us Falling in Love (Skye Soon Cover)#blogpost #music #acoustic
Maroon 5’s Maps.
The chorus reminds me a bit of recent electronic korean tunes. But another dancey hit from M5 :)#blogpost #maroon 5
/SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS
Spent my time giggling at silly things- just so many references and feelings I can identify with. A Sylvia Plath reference? Hahahaha how did you even sneak that in really. The ballet scene. Lulz. The band. The prodigy violinist. Hahahahhaha.
An endearing movie- could be better but I think we’re too spoilt by blockbusters. Enjoyed it though :) Music movies :’) Just very relatable. Didn’t like some of the song choices but yes. Damn it I can hear arrangements without being drunk. Hope to create new material for my future gig :)
To dream that you are at the dentist suggests that you are having some doubt over the sincerity and honor of some person in your life. You are experiencing some momentary anxiety or pain, but you will be a better and stronger person for it in the long run.
Well… there was also some battle going on in my dream. A claustrophobic room. Dubious characters in my ‘team’. Fighting for survival. Getting lost in Japan Disneyland. Being late for an appointment. Disappointing people. Getting caught. A familiar face but now cooler- you have an ear stud now! Haha. I missed you. Think you’re the only reason this dream didn’t turn into a full fledged nightmare.
//just an ordinary, dispensable human in your world
wrote a half song on the bus back home- kinda emotionally drained now.
this song is kinda raw and vulnerable for me and I won’t be developing it cause it kinda pains me when I sing it. But for now it helps me express everything and helps me to heal I guess. Sent it to a few friends, don’t intend to share it anymore, but you can always drop a line if you would like to hear it. Thanks for staying with me, I know I’m hard to understand sometimes.