I will always love you.
Some part of me will always love you. I’ve had many crushes, but you were probably the only one I had ever truly fell in love with. Needless to say, I was scared yet exhilarated at the same time.
You were my best friend. I’ve never wanted to spend so much time with anyone. You did not always understand me, but you always tried to. When you could not, you simply accepted me the way I was. That was powerful. You never ever put me down, not even as a joke. You were a source of support. A strength I never thought I would have.
I was scared. Maybe you were too. I’m sometimes sorry about how things have turned out but I think that in the end, this was the best for the both of us.
Right now all I want is for you to be happy.
Sometimes I look for your face in the crowded Internet. It makes me happy that you are happy, smiling, and amongst friends you care about. I wonder if you think the same about me.
Sometimes I miss you very much. But I think meeting now would be a bad idea since all that is left have already dissolved. The memories that remain are already rose tinted, and I can only remember the good times we shared. I’ll never tell you this, but I will always love you from a distance.
When we stopped being ‘us’, I saw you everywhere. You were the boy walking in front of me, you were the boy in the bookstore. You were the boy in my lecture hall, you were the boy in the food court. I did a double take whenever I thought I had bumped into you. I was prepared to pretend that I didn’t see you, I was prepared to act nonchalant. Above all, I was prepared to run.
You were in every song I wrote. Even as time passed and I met new people, there were always echoes of you in every song. Maybe it’s because you became a part of my soul. Maybe it’s because I’ve never loved anyone else, truly, since.
We will get on with our lives. You’ll meet someone special, and so will I. We’ll marry them and feel on top of the world. I’ll look at your wedding photos on my newsfeed, maybe even wish you a sincere, heartfelt congratulations, but I’ll also feel a twinge of sadness, the variety that belongs in the category of what-could-have-beens.
When I have my first child, you might like my mobile upload of a bald, crying newborn. He or she will be the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and I will look at life in a completely new way. By then I am already deeply embedded in my new roles in life, and so will you. We will be happy for each other, but we’ll never say it. We will not be in touch for decades, and hardly think about each other at all.
When you post photos of your children, I will be genuinely happy for you. I wish I could meet them. They are probably wonderful just like you are. I hope you enjoy being a father.
At age 50 we might meet, coincidentally, at a social function. Someone introduces us, and we may go ‘Ah’, and share a knowing smile. That someone might feel excluded in that very moment and ask if we know each other. “Yes, from a very long time before,” I would reply. A playful mood will fall upon us and we make jokes at each other, just like old times. “You’ve become fat!” I would say, while you’ll tell me how I looked rounder as well. I threaten to pour the red wine all over your pressed shirt, and we both laugh at the silliness of it all. I am happy to have met you after all these years. We’ll discuss our lives in milestones, and you’ll tell me that your children have entered university and are doing well. We’ll have a grand time laughing over how we have become so old and frail, but then you’ll probably interject with something like, “But we’re always young at heart.” I’ll go home with a silly smile on my face. If my husband asks, I’ll just say that I’ve met a dear old friend. Which you are, you are.
We are 70. We’ve been through a lot. It is family friend’s party and there you are, looking old, but still very charming, in the middle of the lawn. Of course, you are still holding a drink in your hands. You have grown to like whisky. Somehow I knew this moment would come. We’ll smile at each other, and get to know each other all over again. I will hold your wrinkled hands in mine, and hope your eyes still twinkle like they did before. A slow song comes up, and we have the kind of warm, slow and wistful dance old people do. Twinkling lights, orange cordial, cocktail sausages, and running grandchildren in the background. We’ll slip into an easy familiarity that not many have. We’ll tire easily and lie back on the grass. We’ll trace the inky sky and you’ll point at random stars and make up legit sounding constellations. “That’s Ursula, and that’s Tequila.” I’ll still smile at your silliness. “Sure anot…you’re still full of shit.” There are more silences than talk, but I enjoy your gentle companionship. I’ll tell you my man had died a few years back. You’ll look at me and understand. You never really knew how to comfort me when you think I am sad, but age has wizened us all. We’ll sigh. A somewhat resigned sigh. But we are content, proud of the lives we have led in our youth. We’ll laugh when our bones crack while trying to get off the grass, and I’ll dust off stray leaves off my long patterned dress. Cleared throats and a handful of last jokes together, we’ll exchange stiff goodbyes. In my heart, I knew I would probably never meet you again. This was truly goodbye.
I’ll go before you. I wonder if you did come to my wake. Perhaps you didn’t. You probably didn’t know- we have no other connections between us. Maybe you were lying in a hospital bed somewhere. It’s okay, I don’t hold it against you.
So… I just wanted to say, I know we will never be together the same way ever again, but I’m still glad I’ve met you in this life. I’m glad for what we had, even if it was just a short wink in the long passage of time. You’ll always be a part of me,
and I will always love you.
cause I’m feelin’ good
caught up with sleep and reading today in between tuition!! Ahhh I feel great now- thanks to a lot of positivity from an unlikely source- my library book, Digital Leader!
So let’s give some thanks today
- having hilarious tuition kids. One of them gave me Jagabee HAHA <3
- My dad bought me a box of coca cola HAHAHA I’m so addicted , dreamt that I was drinking it this morning. Haven’t touched a single can yet though haha.
- a Sunday morning all to myself :)
- catching a glimpse of the Sg chopper & the flag during tuition
- dinnerrrr at home :)
- awesome friends :)
- pretty songs- Violet Hill- Coldplay
- Rita Ora reminds me of … like a retro Jessie J ahha.
- smiles from strangers ^^
Listening to: Save Me by Gentle Bones
Digging this song, more than Elusive and Until We Die. Well done dude.
SO! Biggest update of my life for this entire week- I have my first ever full time job! I’m working as a Social Copywriter- I do copy and ad writing for clients’ Facebook Pages. My workplace is near my house and my colleagues are nice and funny hahaha! Lau sai hahaha. The office is homey. Also there is too much food going on in the office haha yesterday we had this awesome rojak and kaya cake, and today we had tangyuan from a famous Chinatown shop. I am completely bribed haha. Waiting for the food samples to come in HAHA *drools* Sure fat sia..
The first day at work my eyes died. I guess they were unaccustomed to staring at the computer for such long periods of time! Am also using a Mac in work- haha coming back and using my normal mouse feels sooooo disorienting. Am learning lots on the job and basically, I can’t share much but this I must say- having a business is so not easy. Haha. Will work hard :) Also a BIG THANK YOU to all my friends who had to deal with all my emotional shit these few months hahaha.
Met up with mah girls Lydia & Melo! Hhahaha my first high tea ever. Never felt so taitai in my life :P
*smoked salmon sandwich ftw* +chocolate tart
Went to the softball chalet, thanks Cass a billion for driving us there it was soooo ulu! And big thanks to Pok for sending us home hahaha :) NSRCC is gorgeous! Don’t remember seeing the facilities last time- probably cause we cabbed in for Shalet lol. Can’t wait to hold Together as Ten there next year :)
Thanks girls team for the lovely senior presents AWWW <3
(pix from maria)
Was fun eating BBQ (notice my choice of words, HAHA I don’t cook BBQ anymore lulz. Laojiao life)(I kid. Thanks friends) and watching people play charades. Pam is super good at it HAHA! Stingray and squid omg how even.
Shit goes down in Avalon. Hahha.
Sebaz: 有三种人—-披着羊皮的羊，披着羊皮的狼，还有披着狼皮的狼！(Kokswee HAHA)
Joined the last two games when they needed the tenth person! Was pretty tired by then- brain was fried from my first day of work lol. I hate being the good person and I suaysuay got Merlin the first round. Whuuut. And I’m really bad at such deceptive/detective/mind logic games. I don’t like having to act as something/someone else haha I can’t repress my badass streak I’m sorry :P
True to nature I don’t like holding back. This is why I can say I have no regrets (most of the time anyway). My feelings change so quickly it’s pretty crazy hahaha I sometimes don’t keep up, so I guess I can’t expect anyone else to keep up either.
I also haz a new watch, in case I haven’t sent a pic of it to you yet.
ISN’T IT FREAKING ADORBZ?! Have been looking for a brown, small-faced watch, and this just takes the cake. The fat cat is so fly.
Sent Elvis off too! HAHA while in the bus I spotted Ade at the bus stop omg! That girl just came back from Shanghai after a year and though she didn’t see me I was so tickled hhahaha and messaged her immediately to ask if she was actually the person I saw, or just a lookalike!! Hhaha
Missed my CAPT buddies. Kai rebonded her hair, and CC’s hair is consuming his face. LOL. We spent some time watching the kinetic rain- it has so many different ‘performances’ now! Like wings!! Gorgeous.
(pix from Elvis)
#Elnessa sialz take care yall. All my CAPT friends flying off for exchange, while the rest start their semester next week. I already know what my next challenge will be, but I’ll need time to mull it over again.
Am glad for a job that gives me normal after hours though- can’t imagine giving up all these social gatherings and dinners for years and years on end.
I prayed for a job, one of the three prayers I made in a Kyoto Temple. In exchange I promised to abstain from beef eating for a month, for each prayer answered. Beef is like one of my favourite meat so haha I’m trying hard! So far so good! I’m determined to pay my dues!
Also went for Jen’s cool rooftop party. It was fun ;) Take care in NYC yo!!
(pix from jen)
Also signed up for a 1 week trial at a gym with Wenx & Jess- I only joined them for two classes Kickboxing & Retro Dance. Haha back to back classes are so not funny. Kickboxing was fun. The instructor was energetic and passionate hahaha. He was singing along to the hyped up high energy songs, and going like ’ HIIIIYAH!’ when we had karate chop moves. Hahahaha as usual I was very amused haha! But yes, I enjoyed punching air. HAHA. Retro dance was boring and we left early. HAHA. Too many twirls make me dizzy. I should really just give up on dancing. Haha. All sorts of people at the gym- hot girl, auntie age, beefcakes, people who check each other out. Hahaha amazing micro-society mm.
Have put together a new original- had the chorus down a month ago when I was feeling shitty, but I just added verses I really like so I’m hoping they gel together better soon :) Brandon & I are also making progress on the original electronic track , can’t wait to share that with you as well. Am recovering from a little cough and flu thing so my voice ain’t back yet.
And a sneak peek of my new music photoshoot taken by Leesimin ;3
(Before my balloons flew away)
Take care peeps xx
If you’re a friend and you’re reading this,
I will be away for a while.
Will be back, will be okay.
It’s OK to not have your life plan exactly figured out.
This article makes me want to cry. Thanks Yuting!!
Not knowing exactly what you want can make you feel as if you don’t work hard enough or dream big enough or that somehow, you are less intelligent than others. It can make you feel like your desires are less than satisfactory. Each morning, when you and I consciously put on insecurity instead of boldness, we clothe ourselves in lies that grow into layers and more layers of covering that hide the people that we are.
It has been an eventful day.
Mummy, ama and my aunt left for TW today, hope to visit them again soon :)
Received many important calls today, and all the decisions I made… I hope they came from a good place. I guess I have always been ‘with the flow’ and some may call me rash/impulsive but these actions also stem from the gut which I trust.
Have to say I am sometimes paddling in muddled waters, but thank you kind friends for you patience and support. You guys know exactly what to say haha. Received some kind of objections (haters gon hate) and shock but I know y’all will come round. And honestly rejection only makes me want to work harder. Reverse psychology much.
Am very thankful for all the advice I have too, from friends,my parents, a new friend, and even the auntie at Bugis Street. Time to keep an open mind and let all the possibilities run loose. Only then can I find a thread to follow and hopefully go down a path that I feel is meaningful. Thanks for all the guidance! And I’m really thankful for the support and well-meaning advice. I think the best was when my dad supported my decision. Lols. thought he woulda been a little upset.
Made a new friend today! Am very glad to meet Danyya for the first time :) Had a very yummy dinner and even yummier hot chocolate HAHA <3 She’s very friendly and mature, and I had lots of fun talking and shopping around hahaha. Great to meet you and I’m looking forward to working with you ;)
When Danyya talks about her work, her eyes light up and her body kinds of radiates some kinda glow. I’m not even shitting you haha it’s awesome. I hope to find a job that I love and am passionate about too! She tells me to have patience and, that she tried many things before finally finding this perfect fit. I will cross my fingers :)
Also reconnected with my piano teacher to ask for advice, am rewarded with a picture of her 2 year old daughter OMGGGG SO CUTE. Funny how we can go full circle for things- the universe will lead us I guess.
I guess I’ll just follow the heart, the gut and just kick up some extra courage.
One thing about the new (possible) schedule- it’s very trying in a sense that it does not fit into the ‘normal’ 9-5 work schedule. Which means it is harder to meet up with people. But then again maybe it will filter out people, and maybe I will be left who people who really care? Haha :) I love you all.
Also the auntie today tried hard to slight me but lol. I’m not a spoilt shit and I told her I did part time and stuff before. I’ve even sold knives, bitches!! Haha. Will work hard :)
Also, today I ate otah AND pandan cake. Yeah man.
Can’t get to sleep again, and my mind went back to something Elvis said in one of our late night conversations during camp!
To practise mindfulness. To be in the present. To notice that you are breathing. To slow the fuq down.
Naturally I went to my guru TinyBuddha.com and found relevant articles. Looks like I’m caught up in some anxiety where I need to go somewhere, sometime, somehow. And quickly, successfully and awe-inspiringly. There’s so much social pressure and expectations really (self-inflicted or otherwise.)
I asked myself why I do certain things. Why am I pursuing this, why do I read this. Why do I act this way?
My answer is, perhaps I feel inadequate, and hence I always want to chase after new achievements and goals to feel, maybe just for a short while, a little bit better about myself. People like to tell me that they admire my thirst for learning new things, improving my skills and etc, but maybe this relentless chase really comes from a deep-seated fear of being inferior. Of not mattering.
It is sometimes also a struggle to reconcile what I like and what I might have to do for work. For example, I like reading about Greek mythology and basically just learning and reading. My language proficiency is nowhere fluent enough to be used for business purposes, but I have so much fun learning and speaking it. How does one apply such esoteric interests to a competitive society?
Problem (b). Am I never going to find like-minded people out there to share my world with me? I’ve gotten closer by enrolling in Arts and majoring in Sociology, but even with this narrowing down of people I don’t find people that are ‘like’ me. Personality wise, interests wise. This mostly frustrates, bores and worries me. It makes me feel very lonely when I cannot connect with anyone on a deeper level. My soul is sad.
Am also reading this very illuminating Social Psych chapter from Coursera- I can finally put proper researched terms to things I have thought about before when I was younger. (Ie. how we have different selves when we interact with different people- eg. with your mother, with your friends, with your teacher, etc. And if I have so many identities, am I a faux person, or am I still the same entity, and is this okay?)
Your close friends also know you- they can give you advice and see things where you cannot. They are your eyes. But I would feel this is only if they read you correctly. It is some kind of sad that my desktop wallpaper, the cover art for Nobody Knows Me At All cover with Lou, is.. just.. apt.
Today though, my dad read my mind like twice. I didn’t even say anything and he knows what I’m going to order, and when I’m just messing around as usual, he knows what to do. Well. I guess he does know me very well.
So, back to anxiety. What is the pull, and can I find my flow? Is flow where everything just happens and things you want/opportunities just fall in your lap? Does it feel like a stroke of magnificent luck for several days? Not sure, will get back to you on that one.
Meanwhile, maybe let’s do this one step at a time. Sometimes I don’t understand how I can be impatient yet scared at the same time.
I probably want to go Summer Sonic because of BECK and ‘The Greatful Sound’. Anime shapes me so much HAHA
new found respect for psych students- this shit is mind boggling.