Sometimes when I look back in my life I’m like LOL I must have been nuts to have done that. Was chatting with Junyuan while badminton-ing and lol was reminded that I used to sail. Haha thinking back it was really madness. Me against the sea. Returning home with mad bruises on arms and legs, looking like an abused druggie (because I already have eyebags). No wonder my mum tried (feebly) to stop me. (She knew I wouldn’t, hah) But hey, well. It was helluva ride. Miss the sea and dem sailors but I don’t see myself going back to sail- lost all my guts a long time ago.

Just some other crazy/and amusing/and-or thickskinned shit I have done trololol I don’t even know what I was thinking then???

• jamming with a guitar owner in Thailand. Lol. Cause I was excited as heck to see ukes and guitars in the shopping mall. Haha.
• going to audition when I *just* learnt vibrato (LOL my teacher later told me he was kinda appalled but amused that I had the guts to do it anyways. Haha thick skin for the win? But see where this got me! Experience + I learnt vibrato and Vivaldi in a short time didn’t I?
• singing in the lift. Lol fking madness
• sitting for JLPT and actually passing it. LOL shock of my teacher’s life. (I miss Bunka though)
• leaving exam hall early twice in a day. haha I’m either a goner or …not. (hopefully the latter.)
• random stuff during softball games. I don’t actually keep count of my strikes haha so I kinda have no stress- I just hit the ball.
• speaking of which, lol for joining a varsity sport at such a noobster level
• taking chances
• signing up for CAPT jusssssssst because I really liked linghong’s room haha
• hijacking a hugeass lecture theatre to watch a movie - lol the cleaners LOL-ed at us 
• dyeing my hair ‘chiffon pink’ HAHA

More to come I guess :) Cheers friends!

I guess sometimes you just need to let go and breathe

nothing else compares to the warmth of a hug and the love of friendship and family.

<3

don’t go pinning your hopes onto me

I’m sure I will never be what you think I am

I never promised to be anything but me, and I hope you understand that

Well while i’m at it I might as well continue.

All this time I’ve been used to giving. I give because I like to, and because it seems to help people have a brighter and nicer day. Because it brings warmth. (It also makes me feel better to give out love)

When attention is brought back to myself, it’s actually very destructive because I don’t really know how to cope with it. I start having dark thoughts, and when I get dependent or expectant of people, I start becoming insecure. So the model of me loving and giving independently is a more stable person for me to be.

Stella’s blogpost about debt and love- basically you don’t want to help someone out so much because they will feel indebted to you. In that case maybe I have just been selfish. Maybe I have been smothering friends with ‘care’ or ‘concern’ when all it does is make them feel bad especially if they don’t reciprocate…? (Not like I’m going to stop..?)

But the thing is I really don’t need you to reciprocate (or fine, I just don’t know how  to receive love huh).

We truly accept the love we think we deserve then.

Is this why we love people who will not love us back and reject those who actually give a shit?

Perfect time to let the dark thoughts loose.

So today we had to deal with a death.

As we all know here (on my blog) I don’t cope well with death. Despite… the few times I had to experience/see it happen the past year- all my friends’ experiences and all the tragedy, I can never quite wrap a finger round it.

Thanks Lingz for coming over and being a burrito, I really hate this :’(
Thinking about loss is painful because it’s inevitable, unstoppable, irreversible. 

Past year events has mostly shaped me. Am studying ritual right now and i would say the week long funeral was my liminal period and I came out different. Life became a very carpe diem/YOLO/live without regrets thing because. there is no time.

I don’t want to move on from this place yet despite the fact that we all have exams to deal with. It’s a very human thing to feel and though right now it’s very inconvenient………… well. Maybe yeah I just like to linger in pain.

What ached inside you? So much?

Just read a quote about suicide on tumblr, something along the line of suicide is painful for the people left behind. Was telling L that if ever one day I had to leave (alive or not) I’d give people closure. Tell them why. Tell them I loved them. Tell them to miss me but don’t grieve me. Things like that. (otherwise summed up in an old post.)

We can never take things for granted. Am emotionally preparing myself if I don’t get to stay for another semester. I mean everything is dandy if it goes through but I would pretty much be affected if I had to leave. It’s like trying to pull up roots when you just set them down.

On the brighter side, messaged a friend I haven’t been in contact for a while. Thanks, I’ve missed you.

If you love them, tell them.

If you don’t, try. A smile, a friend at 3am, can help to save a life.

Wonder what I’d grow out of as I grow up.

things, places, people. 

The more we should cherish the present 

because it’s a gift from today ;)

• thai movie 1: a biographical movie about tao kae noi. DID YOU KNOW that this dude started his biz when he was just nineteen?! Tao kae noi means young boss. This guy is so amazing I don’t even. Tried and failed so many times, but always, always perservered and finally met with success. Pretty ingenious this guy- lots to learn from him:

1. never give up

2. don’t lose hope

3. outsource your business. you don’t have to do everything yourself
(ie. don’t know how to do something? consult. lack expertise in design? outsource it to someone who does.)

4. always learn. and improve. until nobody has any criticism, you have perfected your product.

5. be optimistic. but be realistic. 

6. accept your failures and move on. you are made for bigger, larger things.

7. do things because you are passionate and interested in it

8. always keep an open mind- ANYTHING. IS. POSSIBLE.

9. be resourceful. 

10. don’t jump into things TOO impulsively. think a little.

• thai movie 2:

1. inspiration strikes best when you love something/someone
2. don’t walk away just because it hurts.

• from conversations

1. talked to Bryan about 3D printing. learnt about how layers and stuff work- and what bio-engineering is about.
2. found a printing contact from Kailin. I never knew printing on mounted card was not THAT expensive.
3. learnt from Ed that a teaching job is really quite high paying, haha. and about stocks.
4. and from Jasper about some internship things especially since he is working for events right now. So much about the industry I don’t know about.

Time to start something.

(I know it’s a bad time since it is exams time, but hey,yeah.)

Another video to keep me (and you) going when when we lack motivation:

there are just so many possibilities out there

a couple of nights this year I spent time agonising over some stuff and in conclusion- just thankful for friends who can see me and the situation more objectively and steer me back to the main path.

They’re a better mirror of who I think I am sometimes, since I can’t seem to see my own blind spots. Thanks <3

It’s a little difficult reconciling several ideas when my life mottos of the year consist of things like

1. JUST DO IT

2. LIVE FREE

3. NO REGRETS (so: REFER TO NO.1)

Yeaaaaaaah. Have to hem in some impulsiveness and think about consequences more often.

Eli sent me this, which is super relevant to my life now: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-neill/fear-of-rejection_b_3110481.html

Have been very bothered about applications and rejections-a case of 10 times bitten, forever shy. I didn’t like to be rejected despite my efforts. I get the theory of not being the best match/someone is better than you kinda thing but I just end up really insecure and dejected.

I am currently doing my leadership wiki project on Robert Bob Pittman, the dude who started MTV! First knew about him when I picked up a book in the library.. one of the few non-fiction stuff I checked out. He’s a really inspiring guy. Attended college four times and didn’t graduate but damn look what this guy has done! Not only does he have a sparkling resume, he revolutionised a freaking century with his ideas.

I used to tell myself that I wanted to achieve something by the age of 20. Wanted to finish my video projects, Dunman High Diaries, featuring memories and life in DHS, wanted to start up my etsy shop… wanted to do a lot of things. I lacked focus- scattered energies everywhere. Then I turned twenty and I felt that I disappointed myself. But there was just so   much going on in my life then. Not that I regretted anything but I was a really stressed person. (Though yeah I kinda did manage to balance social life/school/work)

Talked about this to some of my friends, and I remember how Bolong told me that I could just give myself some more time- I could just take time and extend it. I thought to myself, that’s true, doesn’t mean that I missed my deadline means that I should completely give up. Why did I create a box that caged myself in?

Being in CAPT, I really got to do some hands-on stuff- all the lift activities, all the jamming sessions, late night/meal time talks- everything contributes to me being inspired to do something. I am unabashed to say that I have always felt that I would one day do something very amazing, and that I am geared for greatness. Because I believe that I can do it.

But question is, what am I going to do?
Was watching videos (or more like listening to music videos) and chanced upon this interview of Miguel. (Was listening to some Frank Ocean and checking out people of his genre)

I felt really moved by what he said, his vision, his values, and what he wants to do with his music. How he wanted to defy convention and his passion. It came through very succinctly and at 2-3am I was unexpectedly inspired by this man.

Staying on campus has reminded me of something very important- I really like being around people. I am an ENFP and being here has really amplified my extroversion. I have always thought I was a balanced E/I, because I liked my own space and all.. but being here- I feel like I am feeding on everyone’s energy and turning it into something else. It’s a pretty amazing feeling. When people of different energies (I see them as differently coloured), get together, chemistry happens and great things are born.

It is truly as my professor said, one great thing about staying in CAPT is the people you meet, the networks and relationships you make. There so are many talents and amazing minds here, it’s no wonder things like Facebook are created during college times etc. 

Big things grow from small ones and I know I will probably be embarking on a very important journey- will be starting a series of small projects and perhaps one day they will grow big enough to impact and bring goodness and happiness to more people.

Most of the time I feel when I fail society’s structures and designed boxes that something is deficient within me. But then I remind myself that awesome people don’t work within boxes. They can live outside too! And for me, I don’t need to be so extreme. I would love to be the bridge between the two- use society’s boxes and rigours to be a general guideline, and look from outside in to see what kind of positive changes I can make to make life inside the box perhaps a little suffocated.

I have to constantly remind myself to temper my disposition- I cannot be too stubborn, I should be open, polite enough, and more kind than needed. I must retain my values,my honesty, and should admit my faults, and be less of a bratty person. 

Thanks for being here for me, friends. Thanks for joining in my personal journey of self discovery (and perhaps future greatness, hahaha)

I feel like my time in CAPT and in NUS- I feel one step closer to finding out who I am, what I want to be and most importantly, what I’m going to do next.

Let me take shape of life.

just want to say thank you to:

• the Hs forevaa :) 
  
• lingerhonger :)) HUGS <3
• oli, thanks for foolscap and various food though honestly I don’t dare to drink chicken essence anymore.
• guitarpella peeps HAHA thanks for giving me an epic door lmao!! <3 glad to have met you all~~~
  /edit HAHA YOU GUYS!!! THANKS FOR EVERYTHING <3
• dorisa for your note! and for waking me up HAHA I seriously wanted to continue rolling forever
• STELLA!! thank you for feeding me :’) and for your notes and m&ms :)
• my s2 babes <3 thanks for being around :)) love seeing you all around school!!!! 
• utown supper club! for giving me a chance to meet so many different people. I think I’d like a job where I get to meet people and just say hi to them. and also thank you to everyone who supports us!!!
• my interesting classmates and tutorial mates in school! really nice meeting y’all.
• everybody who helped me with the senior application app :)

HUGS Y’ALL <3

everything is questioned.

haven’t been this down and unsure for a long time, thanks for just being here in one of my darker moments :’(

there were actually times I just really wanted to give up and cry because sometimes I think all effort is futile! I mean the other part of me comes through at the end of the day but it is.so.easy. to just give up. 

I know I will be better but meanwhile the heart is just gonna need to take another round of battering. Live strong, guys?

Received disappointing news today, was kinda affected cause I thought I really stood a good chance this time! Well but I guess things are just not meant to be. In my mind there was this entire door closes but another window of opportunity opens again imagery.. but meanwhile was just trying to cope with the feelings of being rejected again. 

It’s like you put yourself out there and try to sell yourself- you’re vulnerable and all and then you get rejected :’( I understand that sometimes it’s not about you entirely, but maybe another candidate was just a better match for the organisation, but no one can deny that this entire thing just stings. Just have to learn how to cope with disappointments- I’m sure there will be worse ones to come.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement though, I am blessed to have good friends and supporters <3. Meanwhile gonna regroup and think about what I want to do this summer. This was kinda a pity but yeah. Just another reminder in life not to take anything for granted.

(For example, what if I get rejected for Senior Retention as well? I just realised that actually odds are stacked against me and competition is high. And that the situation may be way bleaker than I initially thought. )

Chin up, keep walking.

“We all have 10 000 bad drawings in us. The sooner we get them out, the better”- Walt Stanchfield

Applies to songwriting as well! Best to get all the cheesy and cliche sounding things out of the system and get down to the real deal. 

Aim: to write songs that make people feel. Make them post lyrics on their twitter and blogs because they can relate to it, so much.