maybe I’m just upset at my own inaptitude.
hands up, we’re gonna have to do some soul-searching
take me back to the night of endless waves
bright moons and rhythmic shifts
where the air was cold and the touch was mist
the bodies warm and the blankets kissed
take me back ,
to the depths of your bare soul
The key to my lucid thoughts is simple. I write best when I read a lot. Maybe my brain is more well-prepped- the words flow easier.
Just finished reading Ready Player One and I am enjoying recognising some of the plot devices that I have learnt by reading another book. I am now about 7500 words into my raw as fuq straightforward fiction work but yeah haha I can’t believe that I even bothered to start writing, especially when I’m under such stress these few weeks. I guess stress does some crazy stuff to people, no?
Don’t expect like a killer work from me- I just need, and really want to create something out of words. It’s not a mega blockbuster- it’s a straightforward story really. Just excited to have it going for now. 7500/ 50 000 words! We can do this.
Meanwhile I am trying to pep myself up for the following week. Am not doing well for the semester. Emotionally I am all over the place. Not keeping up with school, music, family, friends or anything that I actually give a shit about. Am tempted as hell to attribute this to the thing that starts with the letter ‘M’ but in the end it just boils back down to me being inadequate. Ill-equipped. Careless.
Then again I’m not perfect so screw off really. Thanks again for people who stand by me. For insisting to help, to just stay by my side and check if I’m okay, seriously all of you are stars. I don’t even know how to express my thanks.
Spent like maybe a day gushing over a boy and I believe it is somewhat over. Haha well that was fast no? Easy to let go when it’s out there in the open, out of the system. /shrugs. I guess I fall in and out of love easily. Reaaaally easily.
Altogether this CNY has been a really mixed one.
- Glad to have some downtime to read and study and sleep etc.
- Glad to be back home with family and real dinner food.
- Bad cause well no business is open and I can’t find a solution to my problem now.
Also paid a visit to ahma & ahgong at the temple today, before popping by to the Hindu temple adjacent to it. Was hella scary as fuq to enter it alone, what with the intention of taking photos in such a sacred holy place. The temple is gorgeous though, and the people were friendly! The one guy that I talked to turned out to be Prof Gana’s cousin. Lol what a small world. And a lady explained Ohm to me.. and basically woah the rituals and everything are so intricate !! I am so impressed haha.
Lately I have been very escapist. And maybe becoming very.. unreliable. Irresponsible maybe? A huge chunk of me wants someone to fly in to save my sorry ass. Right now that someone needs to like have a printing company and shizz. Yeah yeah but I know I have to mop up my own mess and well let’s just say I am… probably, possibly, not going to do things like that for a very long time if I could help it.
If anything this just erodes my commitment level again. Well I’m sorry. Broken people don’t want to stick around.
it’s a glorious feeling
to be in love.
- with a bass line
- with a guitar riff
- with a person hahhaha
- with favourite desserts :D
- with my pillow & bed & duffy & baby alpaca cheesecake :D
- with a voice
- with a smile :)
- with the sound of kaoban
- with the sound of mirth & trilling laughter
- with the smell of fried pasar malam food
- with pizza & spicy drumlets
- with ice cream
- with the late night open sky
- with late night talk & support.
- with books, ipads and kindles
- with friends and family <3
Stay in love ;)
如果我愛上 你的笑容 要怎麼收藏 要怎麼擁有
huachi person in the house. HAHA :)
days have been pretty trying. But looking back all these trials/ upsetting scenes seem really lame. Am thankful ten thousand for the patient and calm people around me. Really helps me see things in perspective and grow better.
Have been playing a lot of basketball… it’s my go to point trying to escape from things. Love my bball buddies, they make me smile. Lots of laughter on the court, and yep I’ll definitely treasure these times in my last, final semester :’)
Also thankful always to Lingz who has been been the most reliable rock ever, thanks for everything dear :’)
Am for my study buddies, choco mousse chocolates, hulkies, tulpies, diamonds & all my capt & nus friends. <3 to yall!!
do you have the courage to move on in the right direction?
these trials are trying but I hope everything will be worth it.
once again/I’m thinking about, taking the easy way out~~
Thank you for your support Lingz, Cha & Seets :)) And also Kaiying, Joan & Chris for coming down to support us haha omg I was so surprised!!
Realised I am more at ease with an open space, friends to play with and rely on, and a chill atmosphere :))
Had pizza and drumlets. Happeeee :D
Came back to CAPT, caught up with Louis a bit & played this drum app thingy with Vincent! Also got my chips& dip person and well oh god damn stress siol -_-“
Hung out with friends and had a mini stress out episode hahaha. <—- yez I’m so lame ~~
beauty in differences
Life would be really boring if everybody thought and acted the same.
Respect what others hold dear, even though you may not.
Don’t let the insecurities eat you up inside.
Dare to love freely..you may fall hard and break hard but maybe through the pain you’ll be stronger when it’s over (and if you survive…?)
right from wrong
This has been a really rough week- physically and emotionally draining. Looking back I’m pretty horrified by my own emotions and behaviour but I guess the least I could do was to try to act rationally & own up to the fact that I have these emotions. Got triggered into the reflective stage by a visual cue- I’m sorry. 知错了。
It has only been Week 2 of school, but I feel very stretched and challenged, sometimes being forced to a corner and mostly feeling rather terrible. I have supportive friends who help me through the brunt of the worst days, and people who help me, care for me, are there to listen to me rant. Thanks for putting up with me. Truly.
But this week was painful because it revealed many aspects of human nature that is just plain ugly. Makes you really think twice about people and what we are all here for. I don’t claim to be a saint but isn’t it human to have flaws? I think doing conscious, deliberate hurtful actions is really…too much.
But I guess without darkness there is no light. Will take some time to internalise everything that has been going on around me- and hopefully.. work something out.
Things I learnt and tried this week.
- Asking for help.
- Allow myself to receive the help.
- I possibly take pride in being a night owl. Lame wounded badge.
- It’s all about human relationships. If this isn’t the biggest thing in life, then what is? It can’t be money, can’t be something material, nor something as abstract as ideas.
- I stood by what I believed in and at that point I know I have no regrets.
- There are many things I wish I could do better, manage better, troubleshoot better. But I accept my limits and that is all.
- Sorry for neglecting everybody out there. To be fair I have not even seen /hung out with my family for 1-2 weeks. Heading home tomorrow, so yay for that.
- Thanks for putting up with me, seriously.
- I appreciate it.
when I walk out of this I will walk out with my head held high, unapologetic, and my conscience clear.
Can’t sleep, so here’s a post! Only day FOUR of school, and I’m already a little worn out.
Been very anxious and worried over the musical things- haha I guess sometimes I get overly anxious about things I cannot control. Ah well. But anyway so thankful for pillars of support, you guys ROCK.
Went back to training- haha I definitely missed throwing. And fielding. And batting. And the sky and open field. Yep.
Also played basketball with CAPT friends.. am glad we found each other and just chill and spend our school days together :))
Also started YWV project meetings and I hope we get things going :))
SCHOOL! has been okay so far! Quite like the modules I have chosen this semester though the workload is pretty heavy and I haven’t started due to all the mad activity here in CAPT. I can feel it in my bones that this will be a fun semester though ;)
And bye now!! Loves xoxo
first day of school ♡
Woke up early in the morning and headed to school! Moving in tomorrow so all I brought was my pet cacti hahaha. The train was really crowded- this is why travelling during the peak hour is baaaaad.
Finally reached school but the check in for capt had such a long queue!!! Abandoned that plan and went to submit forms and head to my first class at SDE. Thats my aki gem, Reading Visual Images- as recommended to me by my seniors Eriks & Li en! Was thinking how I was gonna find the lecture hall when whoohoo! Heng heng met Darren on the shuttle bus. And turns out hes going to somewhere near can you say PHEWWW. btw: SDE: theres a *new* foosball table on the 4th floor :O
So anyway today’s highlight of my ootd is my new Bershka top that I bought w the s2 girls in bugis! It was on sale. Me likes grey + leather now. Was feeling cold though it was long sleeved haha D:
Then was milling around when new exchange student (from SMU, no less) Jeia called to doudou feng. The bad influence girl managed to convince Ong to skip class hahahaha. So we just drove around and chilled Lol damn free hor.
Went to meet Huiyi!! who gave me a really huge bag with a lot of presents! ohman I damn paiseh but I love love love everything! So pretty and yummy!!! I now own a fondue set omg. Please BYOFruits and we’ll have a tea party in my room. :)
Had lunch with jojo too :) Haha haven’t ate in the deck for evarrr. Also bumped into Louise and Michelle, yay to meeting old friends :)
Had class with Chris- things are gonna be interesting in this small class! And I thought 60 people was a small lecture class- until today where we have about 25 max. So much to read up on, here we go China!!! Gonna helluva blast. (And our prof has some impressive children who go to Duke and York university…mmms. You can totally hear the pride in her voice.)
Moar to come! German books are an expensive bomb but haha what’s new really. Gonna learn the foundation well then hopefully get some recluse time to revise all my languages. I just wanna like hole up somewhere and read everything.
Went back to check in into CAPT, had a short meeting with Prachi (cute room!!), visited my neighbours to say hi, and shifted furniture around the room to create something new. Haha. Quite dumb layout though it’s the the LAN port is beside my bed and the other wall sockets are now behind the clothes closet. Yeah smart smart. Anyway I’m going to name my cactuses Kirk & Spock. And my laptop is called USS Enterprise. I know right geeky x ten thousand.
Seeyou! I’m so tired and it’s only the first day of my last semester.
- live perfs
every time you turn the lights out//
wooots rocking to a Britney Evolution by Ahmir :D
These few days have been spent on working at the cookie shop, The Wooden Spoon! Was very fun working with Wenx & relatives :)) Everybody is really nice- lol I kept being fed -baos, rice, snacks and of course, the cookies we make. HAHA.
Nomnomnom I have always wanted to work at a bakery so this was really cool! Pay isn’t awesome but I really enjoy my time there! Reminds me of my own ama & relatives with all the chinese & hokkien. The only bad thing is the radio which keeps playing CNY songs & pretty boring DJs ~_~~ But I guess my chinese improved just a little bit. Haha :)
Moving back to school real soon, got all my modules! Am doing two sociology modules, German I, Capstone & my AKi mod Reading Visual Images!!
Am prepared to live it up this semester- LET’S GO! It’s also my last freaking school year so let’s end this with a blast.
Not very sure where this is going but lol I know it will be fun to say the least?!?!?!
God knows when I will move onto something else- but then again, we never know! So I’m just gonna hang on tight and do whatevs.
Thanks for hanging around. <3