Just got back home. Lots of feels and anxiety so I need to unleash it.
I don’t know man. I just feel a lot of pressure these days. Everywhere. Even when people are not asking me questions with motives. Like simple questions like who are you going to meet can give me anxiety cause I think you’re gonna judge me. I think that I’m just scared. I don’t even remember being so scared in my life. Scared to fail? Scared to suck? Scared to make the wrong choices? I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I mean like the ‘me’ I have built up and glorified in my head is like courageous and does not care if other judge me. Life is changing. I am changing.
Maybe it’s the uncertainty. All along in my life, answers came to me. Maybe not always easily but I always come to decisions using my gut. Like major decisions as a kid were my choices of my secondary school and university and my course. I just knew.
This time, it’s so much more difficult than I expected. I…never thought it would be so hard. (nobody said it would be easy//) It’s like a rebel spends his life rebelling against the authorities and once you take the authorities away, or that they actually fall, the rebel loses his identity. It’s like you spend your life against the box trying to go against the grain but … when you’re finally out of the system, you’re so lost, you die. I think I thrive on institutions and a certain degree of familiarity. Come to think of it I experienced upheaval in secondary 3 when we had our new class- it was so different from my previous classes - from p1 to sec2… I hated school, SJ, everything. HSM told me this before. I just . shut down.
I know when I look back at this stage I’ll just be like haha what the hell but right now it really sucks. It really really sucks.
I keep telling myself this too shall pass. I feel ashamed that I cannot cope with this as an adult. But then I also really feel lost. And that people don’t hold it against me or are just nice or maybe sensitive about it- IDK. Maybe I just need someone to scold me or maybe some circumstance to force me into action. I think waiting for something to fall into my lap is damn lame and fat hope. I’m sorry if I’m hurting anyone but I can’t help it. I don’t want you to feel sad for me- what is this nonsense about sharing the burden man. You can be spared my pain and misery, go live a happy life. And I hate to say it but I don’t think anyone can help me through this anyway. So maybe just leave me be.
The pressure to be happy and whoever I am just. gets to me. I don’t know what I have been building in my mind- maybe I really think I am infallible or strong- when in the end I just crumble to bits mentally anyway.
It’s not even about people around me- they’re super supportive and loving and caring. I’m lucky to have them, but right now I just can’t. I just don’t like who I am now and what I am becoming.
The worst thing is not knowing what I want. Everything is stopgap. Exercise is stopgap. Going out with friends is stopgap. Projects are stopgap. I have no. idea. what. I. want.
I know one way out is to like, live in the present and stop living in the anxieties tomorrow. It is fking hard. It’s hard when it’s reality. It’s hard when you actually have to do it. I think sometimes we come to a part in life where you just doubt everything. Existentialism if you may, but really, what is the point right? Or quoting Fault, maybe there is no point.
God knows I have no answers, or maybe I just don’t want to see them. Wallowing and self-destruction is not new to me and I’m trying not to fall back into dreary days but yeah. I realise CAPT helped me so much. Like maybe at night I’m so tired from socialising and playing that I actually go to sleep. Or that I feel loved and secure most of the time. And I had a purpose and easy goal- to go to school, to study, to spend times with friends. Instead of thinking so much. Too much free time is.. bad. Idle is evil.
Maybe the worst thing is not wanting to try anymore. I think the saddest part is when you give up. And when you feel like all these worries are small trivial matters that shouldn’t even occupy so much space and attention. (But I can’t trivialise it. It’s my life. Maybe I’m really missing the bigger picture here but RIGHT NOW IT’S HARD)
Just… would like the heavy constriction in my chest to untwist itself and let me really have a peace of mind. Not sure if time and retreating would help argh but what to do but to keep moving. Fake it till you make it maybe.