The chaos that was me:
I’m a total mofo sucker for flowers so THANK YOU FRIENDS :) Honestly was just expecting a few stalks, I think this is the first time I received so many flowers!! And actual bouquets!! *touched* Fking pretty but aiyah fuq must rip open the packaging very sad :’( BUT . BUT BUT SO PRETTY
Commencement went by really quickly. Had insomnia and slept at 4am. Got up early to pick up my flowers & go for Linghong, Abby & Cass’ ceremony :) Met many people and took many photos!!
Had lunch & fun company with Oli, Yangyi & Clarence! Haha my Macs cravings. Was expecting to be bored during the ceremony, but it was more than tolerably okay! Haha :) Turned around and found Lydia behind me hahaha! Found out many coursemates and seniors were graduating as well. Clapped for you all :) Was weak-kneed when it finally came to my turn zomg haha. Thanks to the people who specially came by though my ceremony is at such an awkward timing :) Much loves xx
By the time it was Dori’s turn I was damn tired already and ended up on the floor. Yup.
But first, check out my dinner:
Damn shiok leh LOL.
The night was spent with the hulkies!! Hahaha was fun watching Dori on stage, jumpshots hahaha and meeting other graduates like Mike :)
Congratulations everybody :) <3
Loves and I should really get some sleep
Hi. Have been unable to sleep properly these few days- where were the days where I could sleep easily at will? And this, even when I thought I’m over my anxiety. Something must be bugging me then. Maybe restlessness.
Life has been- a flurry of events. Without rigidity and fixed schedules I am free to fill my life with whatever I want. A blessing and a curse. Quoting from Silver Spoon (FMA’S author’s other series)- judge a man by how he spends his money. Or in my case, how I spend my time.
So what have I been doing really:
Mostly I have been reading, reading, reading. Fiction, non-fiction. Self-help, chick lit. Secrets of Marketing. Business tips.
I think my exercise is finally paying off a little bit. Managed to get through half of training and be able to talk and not pant so hard as compared to the first day I went back.
Went to San’s commencement today, will post with photos tomorrow! Right now… I don’t really know what to do with myself. I think I’m really losing my appetite or something, I’m eating little like one small meal a day.
Hopefully by blogging this I can reverse the cycle, maybe I’m just not interested… in food anymore. (Yeah who kidnapped me right)
I think this just signals that I’m changing. More drastically and quickly than I would like. Not in control, not really. :/
Heehee HAPPY GRADUATION FRIENDS <3
dream big :)
- outdoors gig
Working on a couple of projects- work, play & learn! I’ll update as they inch towards completion, in case I shoot myself in the foot. All I want to tell you now is that they’re very exciting!
Am on my second week of my second Coursera course- this time I’m doing a seven week program on Drugs /The Addicted Brain. Read the forum and many people take the course to complement their psychology course, or are friends of Bill (AA members, never knew they were referenced in such a way). There are also the oddballs like me who’s just interested. So far, the lecturer makes things easy to understand, and I always wanted to learn more science! Lament the fact that I studied physics instead of biology but I’ll make up for it :) Plus bio would have meant all those chemical names which I’m really bad at- can’t even balance equations properly. Used to dislike science in a sense but now I appreciate its analytical methods ie. methodical sequences in lab etc. Everything is very logical and quite calm, as compared to the constant ambiguity of humanities/social sciences.
So far I have learnt about different drugs, how they work in the body, how they are transmitted etc. How the brain and neurotransmitters work.
Am graduating next week, am kinda distressed that I have to put my family through 2.5 hrs of waiting in the hall just to clap for maybe 10 seconds while I’m on stage. Ohwell. Haha.
don’t hold back
It’s a rainy day with James Morrison on the stereo! Sounds really perfect. Rescheduled today cause I did think I overdid it with 4 straight days of sports with my cui stamina haha. (Plus my TOTM hahahahaha)
Just a bit about training before I move on to other things. There were very little people at training yesterday! 8 in total (girls/guys) but later some people joined late- Pam and Kiamin hahaha. Dawww I haven’t seen Pam since forever. Joanne was have a great field day! While I just berate myself for sucking haha. Ohwells *shrugs*
Was super moody maybe due to physiological reasons but aisssh. Thank you Oli for your kind words and a reminder of what I should be. Myself. Lately I have been trying to be myself while negotiating a space to be a friend.. But sometimes the two do not match and I feel this uncomfortable gap. But when I bridge it sometimes I wonder if my friends can tahan or not. Like my egoism, my behaviour, etc. But then I decided, again, that screw it lol take it or leave it. I’m not going to change myself to fit your mould… If you cease to love me then so be it. You can continue to love that apparition of me. For my newer, and male friends- actually I treat you guys very differently haha. I totally hold back because you are guys haha. I guess there are boundaries but if I am being real enough I’m just going to step across some to love you better as a friend ;) So for everyone’s sake please chill the hell out I’m not trying to jio you okthxbye.
For people who have stood by me through the test of time, thanks for being here :) Truly truly truly. We have all changed with the circumstances of time, but I don’t doubt my love for you and you shouldn’t either. Thanks :)
Just thought about it and I think my metabolism has started to slow down. Used to eat so much during the semester, probably cause I was exercising a lot. Usually I get at least one bball session per week, plus the two days of softball trainings, and maybe swimming/blading on weekends. Now I just feel fuller and I eat so much less that it freaks the CAPT buddies out cause they see me pigging out all the time. Eating is such a personal thing. To know someone’s eating habits/preferences is to know someone quite well I should think!
My stamina now is completely shit, I have never felt so awful physically haha. I never knew that not exercising for just a month would be so disastrous. Thankfully muscles still remember how to throw balls and stuff so yay.
Meanwhile; People ask me like oh I’m still playing softball even though I have graduated? Then I’m just like yeah. I don’t know if I can keep up with trainings but nothing has ever stopped me- my commitment is 100% when my heart is in it. But if I want to continue to play I want to improve, improve, improve.
Well: this week’s sports sched—->
FRI (KINDA LIKE A BREAK)
Swimming is my rehab- only did 20 laps the previous but it’s a warm up! I needed to pee and I didn’t wanna pee in the pool. Lol. Will up up up strength!! IDK how also but I need to up arm power so I can improve my batting and throwing. Being strong AND young is the bestest feeling ever I think! :D Must embrace my youth and health when I still possess it.
Bought new FBTs today yoz let’s get cracking. And the exercise monster/aka my fitness coach is back in town so WOOTS! Let’s go crazy.
sports anime always makes me wanna wake up at 5am and go running or something
Also I have been watching a Volleyball series which I kept seeing in Japan- Haikyuu!
The first time I was just listening to the OP then I was like… damn it this sounds like Spyair. AND IT WAS HAHAHA *_* JOY
Love their sound! I think Ike really makes the best of his voice, though he’s suffering from the vocal thing. Really impressed with their live shows ahh. *_*#blogpost
Haha. Alright so this is my longest video to date. It is ONE FREAKING HOUR LONG!!!
Finally managed to face Beauty World in its face and compile all the behind the scenes. In the end I guess though I wish I did some things differently I have finally gotten to the point where I don’t feel any more resentment or angst about it. I’m glad that I collected videos a long time back, and that I started on this project. I’m even more glad that I finally found some closure over all the hurt and inadequacy of myself over the couple of months.
I hope this video brings back good memories for those who watch it, and yeah I had fun making it! Guess which is my favourite part during editing? Haha :)
//Tech talk: How I did this video: Everything was shot by my trusty red point & shoot Canon, and edited through Corel’s Video Studio. I downloaded it on trial so I still have 20 days or so left. I intend to use the remaining days on my other video project that has been languishing in the depths of my hard drive, Honestly I got kinda sian editing this video sometimes cuz every review is more than 1 hour long. Also because of my decision to subtitle it with the basis of some content/meaning being lost due to poor sound, means I review every second like too many times. But I thought the subtitling was important, and that was why I pushed myself to do this tedious thankless job. Got a little sloppy eventually but haha. Whateves *shrugs*.
I think I watched each segment like 8-10 times, from filtering from the start to editing and cutting. I don’t proclaim myself to be really good at video-making- very amateur imo, but working with limited footage and one camera perspective has its challenges. Not very proud of the music choices either- I changed them because Youtube put some copyright claims on it the first time. Then later they found more things to screw me over so I was like ok lor, and clicked the Acknowledge 3rd Party Content. And now I don’t have full rights I guess to this video- and people like Universal Music Group (UMG) who owns the songs can place advertisements on my video. Oh well.
Rendering happened while I slept- about 6-7 hours maybe? Then Youtube processing and all the jazz. Did it twice because of the edits as well. I don’t regret any of the time spent making this video though if I really go count the hours it might be considerably ‘a lot’ to some people. Like I said I had fun :) Though it would be perfect if I had other footage, like meetings, more honest words and updates on situations, and things that make it more… fleshy in content. But life is not perfect and I think this is okay :)
Popped by Toby’s for a bit just to catch up with my simins :)
Let me show you the difference in our photography skills.
This is me:
This is Leelee:
Don’t play play hor. Hahhahaha
Then I went to play basketball with the CAPT people! Props to those who travelled from the West and the baikai who drove over haha 有心啦.
HAHA zomg no stamina la my god I hate this haha NEVER. NEVER. NEVER go without exercise for such a long time ok guys?! You will experience this awful frustration of trying to catch your breath all the time. Yay to bball and 100 plus :>
Sadly my charkwayteow stall was CLOSED (I knew it.) and the prawn mee stall toooooo lonnnnnnnnng queue so I ate kuaytiao soup instead. Used to be my fave but nah, I have totally went to the dark side of unhealthier things.
Hung out till late hahaha and caught some of the last buses :D Went walking around without much aim & bummed around at Macs. Aiyah time passes so fast daww ;/ Never knew there was a Geylang River whut. So hapz haha.
OK BACK TO EXISTENTIALISM BYE
Hoshino-san, a haikyoist Japanese can see ghosts. I decided to interview her about her ability and experiences.
This is a bit creepy but very interesting! Saw it on my FB feed by Yeling. I didn’t know suicide and being killed means you cannot enter the other world.
Is there a difference between Spirits and Ghosts?
Ghosts are more like youkai, they can only appear at one place, because they are born from that place so they are linked and trapped there.
Spirits, on the other hand, do not belong anywhere. Thus they can travel around, even follow you and get attached to/possess you
So I’m reading this book, How to be an Existentialist by Gary Cox. It’s one of the two books about Existentialism I borrowed from the library. This one is the hipper, friendly version, while the other book is more scholarly. Starting with this because I needed to ease myself in with these huge concepts first.
SO FAR some of the takeaways I gleaned:
- Everyone is free, we are solely responsible for our lives. Ie. if you are not free it’s because you chose not to be free.
Okay let me quote verbatim because the guy puts it better:
A person can never surrender his freedom. He can never make himself an object causally determined by the physical world because the very project of surrender, the very attempt to render himself causally determined, must be a free choice of himself. A person can never not choose, because as as Sartre says, ‘Not to choose is , in fact, to choose not to choose’.
- The concept of consciousness, the terms future-past and past-future. Every past used to be a future, and my future has now become my past. Lol damn a little mind boggling no?
- That time, and consciousness is what gives life meaning, or the sense of the past and future. Without consciousness/awareness, - an acorn is just an acorn. But as a human with consciousness you know that this acorn has the possibility of being an oak tree. Or like a fire is just a fire but without consciousness nobody ever knows that this fire can go burn things down.
- Also consciousness means that we will always feel lack. What we lack, is in fact the future. We will always lack the future.
- Existentialism recognises that once you are born, you are condemned to death. There is no real meaning in life, but this way of thinking recommends you to bravely accept that this is the way of life, and you can create your own purpose in life and enjoy it.
- 'The Other'- every human is a being itself, when not in contact with others he is his own God. But when he meets 'The Other' , his behaviour and thoughts changed, they are circumvented - this is where my sociology training kicks in- we are governed by social constructs and laws- we are not always fully ourselves.
- All is vanity. Yes. I agree.
Okay lol that’s what I got from 49 pages so far! More to come.
Thoughts so far:
I may have come across some of what the book said earlier in life and this gave me a lot of perspective in response to life events. I think I always say this but the passing of my granddad, then my grandmother were turning points in my life. Once you see death everything else is really trivialised and you know that life is short. Other things in this book- I can see myself resisting social pressure so that I can be free to do what I enjoy. I will take responsibility for myself and not blame anybody or society for offering too many possibilities and choices.
Since life is short I just would like to do three things.
- Learn. I find myself happiest when I am learning.
- Company. I love the company I have, all my family and friends.
- Lastly, this is more of like an aim but I would like to bring more positivity in the world. In a more ‘elitist’ sense I want to ‘awaken the consciousness’ in the ‘oppressed’ (lol Marx student for life). Basically just want to tell people that they don’t have to be stuck in misery while in the pursuit of happiness. Because they can be happy, now.
/edit: I finished the book. It’s a rather short book haha.
More thoughts: If existentialism requires people to take responsibility for all their actions, then let us question Christianity and other faiths, where all responsibility of life seems to rest on the divine beings. Either 1. this is bad faith because you think god is making a choice for you, when in all technicality you are making your own choices, or maybe, 2. you just don’t want to think so much about life maybe and hence you pray for someone , something else to help solve your troubles (things I come across in Sociology & Religion.)
Much to think about.
Was too self absorbed today and forgot to be kind. Tsk tsk