why is it so difficult?
verbal vomit of all the thoughts floating through my head:
I can try my hardest but sometimes it just ain’t meant to be. I can only say.. that this situation sucks. And move on, I guess. Still painfully raw but what to do.
Don’t like sharing what’s bothering me with other people because these personal conundrums will find no answers. Assuming you care about me and vice versa why should I burden you with more worries and upsetting news? Need to throw out all these negativity that has been festering into painful wounds- wonder if they will ever heal. I think part of loving is sharing but I don’t want to share the pain, why do I want to let you feel the hurt as well?
Today I’m going to tackle the topic of Expectations.
Sadness and disappointment happens in the world when there is a mismatch of expectations. For example:
- When a teacher assigns work and the student doesn’t even care
- When a friend you give a shit about and thought he/she gave a shit about you doesn’t bother to message back
- When people take other people for granted
- When your favourite celeb goes off rail and becomes a whack job
Life punches you in the face when you realise you’re the option, while s/he’s the priority.Well I guess there’s a pecking order everywhere.
The best solution would then be to have no expectations and be permanently surprised. But let’s face reality. That’s an extreme.
So we have to learn how to manage expectations. Or maybe how to manage pain.The patterns are obvious, and maybe I should really learn from my mistakes and just. not. do. it. again. But that would mean loving less. But I’m pretty done feeling like this.
I am DONEEEE with all this complicated myriad of gloom and angst and I just want to leave it. Whirlwind friendships that leave me in reeling in pain cause our expectations are so far off each other’s. Need to learn how to let go of the unnecessary burden and emotional baggage; I don’t want to carry this around forever it makes me ache. Have to stop hugging everyone around me too closely because my arms can’t love so many. Something is gonna have to give.
That said I need to rant: so
- To the four of you, I am disappointed with your behaviour. I thought of you as a bigger person. Bigger people with bigger hearts. Mostly I’m kinda disgusted by your reactions/actions but I tell myself you are who you are and I guess it just boils down to expectations once again. He/She/It wasn’t important enough for you to care. And I cannot fault you for not caring enough, I guess.
On the bright side:
- You are best when you let yourself go and be free. Just believe that you are enough! Go you!
- Thanks for your kindness even when the road is tough as fuq.
Days are a little difficult but I’ll try to find my way. The best way out, is through.
(Every day I feel a piece of me die. Hopefully its the phoenix rising from the ashes kind of die, but I feel its more of the wrenching pain of the dying of a horcrux. Feel my soul being cut into many pieces, heart feels heavy and shoulders feel the weight of everything that has been going on. Show me a way to ease the pain, show me a way to leave this mess. Nothing seems to help and I a bit 走投无路了。想尽办法让自己快乐一点，但始终快乐安宁的日子断断续续的， 好辛苦，好痛苦。ほんとうにきびしいです。)