this is gonna be a really long text post so…
being back at CAPT is fantastic. Love seeing familiar faces and saying hi to random people… things get moving all the time. Even at slow paces but still. School has been quite boring, with lectures being quite meh… except for Thai 1 which was really amusing ! I’ll have to put in effort though and definitely need to get started on all my readings.
Highlight of the week would definitely be the gig we did at JAHOC! This is the first time I have done such a long gig really. 45 minutes of awesomeness. Thanks Matt who introduced me to Daryl and Elwin and I really had fun! We did mashups and oldies and mainstream and chinese oldies hahaha. My favourite song was Kiss Me. Kinda mumbled my lyrics sometimes and sang in the wrong key TWICE haha but kinda just shrugged things off and got on with the show. Helps a lot that there wasn’t much pressure- fist bumps and things like “you can trust us” is so comforting when I’m about to freak the hell out pre-show.
People danced to us, they clapped… (louder after Kiss Me, hahaha)… seeing the smile on an old man’s face when we did the chinese oldie was fkinggggg worth it. Venue was sweet, cosy and fresh. I love green grass. Thankful for the chance to perform!!! and also to meet amazing people and talented musicians. Am gonna do more gigs and stuff- but haha I am seriously doubting the amount of time I have now. I’ll write more about live gigs next time!
Music wise I wrote another song called “You’re Just A Boy”.. haha angst riffs but haha now there’s guitar solo (HAH). Hanging out with talented people works wonders huh?! Some kind of talent rubs off maybe :) Haha thanks to all friends and neighbours who have been forced to listen to alll my songs. Haha.
Played captain’s ball for 2 hours. Was good to see everyone! Hope to see more familiar faces the next time we play~~. Linghong realised we haven’t played captain’s ball since JC?! TBH I thought I would never ever get to play captain’s ball outside of secondary school.
Softball has been rather hectic. I think most teams burnt about six weekends for the league and our own NUS Open. A very huge thank you and appreciation to everyone who has been running the show. I know there was a lot of strain of you guys and all. And you guys deserve a really good break and a standing ovation for the shit you had to go through. Yep.
Work- I have been trying to juggle internship work. Am still quite overwhelmed with everything else in my life- everything I commit to requires my effort and time. I don’t want to be someone who has to schedule in her family for dinner. But there is so much that I want to do. And I know I can’t please everyone so I I know I just have to bear the brunt of those who are unhappy with me because I can no longer offer them my time.
I have very low tolerance for meaningless activities now. Don’t have time or emotional space to care for people who don’t care or don’t want to be helped. Ms K: : “nobody can help you if you don’t even want to be helped.” Well I’m so sorry if you want to wallow in your own misery and angst for your whole life. Everyone has been trying to talk you out of this hellhole of a misery but I guess you prefer life that way so okay..fuq if I care.
Social life has taken a hit but the ones who give a shit really keep me sane. Sometimes it’s so hard to have to go through so many things (I try not to complain because after all they are my own choices) and just knowing someone is rooting for me in their own way heartens me a little. I’m a pretty prideful person as well so I guess every word counts.( And every scathing remark probably hits hard too but yeah what to do.) Big thanks also to Sieweng who has been practicing with me for my upcoming violin exam.
Attended the CAPT musical meeting today.. haha actually I kinda forgot that I was involved in it and had a very ohmygod moment when I was reminded of my jobscope and stuff. Holy freaking crap. Another mountain to conquer but it’s a exciting one no less. It would be really amazing though, I already feel it in my bones. I believe in this production and I think this will take me through these couple of months. Am the Publicity Head and I hope to lead an awesome team of people!
I quit Utown Supper Club. Had a rather painful breakup with our boss (haha he wasn’t really expecting it) but I had to. It’s not something I can commit to now and my heart isn’t really there.
We are also starting a new IG. Tons of fun but we had serious talks about it as well. Overall I think yes I need a hugeass anchor to root me this semester and hope to god that I will not lose my way or my sanity.
CAPT mod: interesting but HAHA yes I just HAD to choose the more effort but (to me more interesting) project. Yeah I don’t know what I’m getting into, evidently.
My magazine: will be launched by end August!!! SWEAR! I will not insist on it to be perfect. I just need it to be out.
A thousand thanks to everyone who has been honest to me, has been kind to me, everyone who might not understand but am still a friend to me. It means a lot to me and I will have you know that.
Love is selfish. Don’t you want someone to run to at the end of the day? And why on earth would I want to be with someone who I have to spend half my life wondering if he really loves me or not? If there is any doubt - seriously you have issues.
(self counter- if you think love is selfish, you’re doing it wrong)
At the end of the day nothing matters if all your loved ones leave you. All that fame glitter and money amounts to nothing. And so I want to say again thanks everybody who has been keeping me alive while I chase all this stuff that sometimes I don’t really know why I am really doing them for. Hope to find some reason to it! Even if the truth is harsh.
Just face it head on.
To all my deities and gods: I don’t know how much you think I am really capable of but sometimes I just feel really really weary and disheartened. You place so many dreams, so much hope and optimism in me but sometimes I do not understand how I am to achieve all these. Maybe not by my own, or at these times, you may be trying to say. But sometimes I feel so empty even when I have so much. Nonetheless thank you for everything and please continue to bless all I keep in my thoughts and prayers. I know you challenge me because I will be hella bored if I am not. Cheers!!!!