One of my favourite songs.#blogpost
okay, this is gonna be a sad one.
Just got back home. Lots of feels and anxiety so I need to unleash it.
I don’t know man. I just feel a lot of pressure these days. Everywhere. Even when people are not asking me questions with motives. Like simple questions like who are you going to meet can give me anxiety cause I think you’re gonna judge me. I think that I’m just scared. I don’t even remember being so scared in my life. Scared to fail? Scared to suck? Scared to make the wrong choices? I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I mean like the ‘me’ I have built up and glorified in my head is like courageous and does not care if other judge me. Life is changing. I am changing.
Maybe it’s the uncertainty. All along in my life, answers came to me. Maybe not always easily but I always come to decisions using my gut. Like major decisions as a kid were my choices of my secondary school and university and my course. I just knew.
This time, it’s so much more difficult than I expected. I…never thought it would be so hard. (nobody said it would be easy//) It’s like a rebel spends his life rebelling against the authorities and once you take the authorities away, or that they actually fall, the rebel loses his identity. It’s like you spend your life against the box trying to go against the grain but … when you’re finally out of the system, you’re so lost, you die. I think I thrive on institutions and a certain degree of familiarity. Come to think of it I experienced upheaval in secondary 3 when we had our new class- it was so different from my previous classes - from p1 to sec2… I hated school, SJ, everything. HSM told me this before. I just . shut down.
I know when I look back at this stage I’ll just be like haha what the hell but right now it really sucks. It really really sucks.
I keep telling myself this too shall pass. I feel ashamed that I cannot cope with this as an adult. But then I also really feel lost. And that people don’t hold it against me or are just nice or maybe sensitive about it- IDK. Maybe I just need someone to scold me or maybe some circumstance to force me into action. I think waiting for something to fall into my lap is damn lame and fat hope. I’m sorry if I’m hurting anyone but I can’t help it. I don’t want you to feel sad for me- what is this nonsense about sharing the burden man. You can be spared my pain and misery, go live a happy life. And I hate to say it but I don’t think anyone can help me through this anyway. So maybe just leave me be.
The pressure to be happy and whoever I am just. gets to me. I don’t know what I have been building in my mind- maybe I really think I am infallible or strong- when in the end I just crumble to bits mentally anyway.
It’s not even about people around me- they’re super supportive and loving and caring. I’m lucky to have them, but right now I just can’t. I just don’t like who I am now and what I am becoming.
The worst thing is not knowing what I want. Everything is stopgap. Exercise is stopgap. Going out with friends is stopgap. Projects are stopgap. I have no. idea. what. I. want.
I know one way out is to like, live in the present and stop living in the anxieties tomorrow. It is fking hard. It’s hard when it’s reality. It’s hard when you actually have to do it. I think sometimes we come to a part in life where you just doubt everything. Existentialism if you may, but really, what is the point right? Or quoting Fault, maybe there is no point.
God knows I have no answers, or maybe I just don’t want to see them. Wallowing and self-destruction is not new to me and I’m trying not to fall back into dreary days but yeah. I realise CAPT helped me so much. Like maybe at night I’m so tired from socialising and playing that I actually go to sleep. Or that I feel loved and secure most of the time. And I had a purpose and easy goal- to go to school, to study, to spend times with friends. Instead of thinking so much. Too much free time is.. bad. Idle is evil.
Maybe the worst thing is not wanting to try anymore. I think the saddest part is when you give up. And when you feel like all these worries are small trivial matters that shouldn’t even occupy so much space and attention. (But I can’t trivialise it. It’s my life. Maybe I’m really missing the bigger picture here but RIGHT NOW IT’S HARD)
Just… would like the heavy constriction in my chest to untwist itself and let me really have a peace of mind. Not sure if time and retreating would help argh but what to do but to keep moving. Fake it till you make it maybe.
This blogpost is mainly gonna be about training yesterday. Oh god.
The only softball training I had over the holidays in a couple of months was from like, watching Ace of Diamond (a baseball anime). LOL. WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF BREATH. Every few minutes I went to take a break to catch my breath HAHA (before the actual training started…)
Threw a bit with Abby, 全身发冷 damn it I was going at it hard -_-“ Not exercising for so long and suddenly coming back to training can only be described in one word: PAINFUL
Did some base throwing though with some errors but life is okay. Caught some flyballs. Life is ok. Cannot pitch bat - my body cannot catch up with my mind and body.
Went home aching all over but as cliche as it sounds I feel alive.
And it was good seeing my team mates again. The new captains are doing their jobs (keep it up!) and it’s just like , damn, a lifetime has passed and everything has changed.
I won’t leave the house if I can help it, but I need to stock up on some food first- I am so going to die without instant noodles yo. Soooo don’t be offended if I don’t feel like going out- I don’t hate you I just don’t wanna move yeah?
Voluntourism is ultimately about the fulfillment of the volunteers themselves, not necessarily what they bring to the communities they visit.
Thanks Chanel for sharing it with me! When I used to have HeartMag I wanted to cover something like this- the real benefits of OCIP. This one is more specifically on selfies in voluntourism, but still targeting the same root of the issue in my opinion! Give it a read.
Have been struggling with photographs and highlight reel things. I used to take photos of myself and friends whenever we go out- then I go home to upload them. For what? To show people who I am with, or that I’m having fun? Meh.
Have limited my use of that to mostly birthdays now but… yeah. Maybe if I didn’t have Facebook I can take photos? Or I can upload whatever I want? :/ And what about the friends who want the photo uploaded? The complexities of being in social media and tryna be ‘real’. Awkward life.
In the age of the selfie everything is wrong :/
/Also I seem to be losing my way ahha no guts for many things, either I have always been like that and all the previous times were just false bravado fronts, or maybe I just outgrew some things and just want to wallow in my nice little comfort zone.
Made good progress with the video today- it’s like 1 hour long now though!! And I’m not even done with going through all the footage >_> Gonna try to keep this to 45 minutes and below though! Time to do so brutal cutting and editing. Wish I had more interview types of footage where people just talk to me but ohwell haha.
Also, I watched World War Z today. INTENSE. Nearly had a heart attack omg fast running zombies that just jump out at you. :OOOOO I was like- how you gonna fight with two little kids in two?!?!?!?
Very different from the book! But all’s good. :) Have a good rest of the week guyz.
feet off off the ground
listening to : Ed Sheeran, Grade 8 (omg I never knew the title of this song)
Went to donate blood yesterday, it’s my 19th time already. Didn’t pass my blood pressure on the first try again, what’s new haha. Passed my iron levels by like 0.1 erm- and there I was, feeling all confident and cocky since I ate so much beef and red meat over the past month. Failz.
Blood donation went by dandy and fast though, finished filling my packet in a matter of 4 minutes haha.
Met up with Joyce for dinner at DTF! :D More beef noodles hahaha life. Went around window shopping and catching up :) Was too damn tired in the end because of blood loss and went home earlier than usual. I even refused ice cream lol omg what is happening to me right. Must be the crazy sugar rush on Monday. Went home to recoup blood loss :D Had a really good sleep.
Am learning new stuff for guitar, RHCP’s Snow and Amy Winehouse’s Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. The latter song reminds me a lot of what Lana sings about- a woman’s insecurity of being loved or not.
Woke up, had yummy Japanese style curry tonkatsu by my mama, and started up the computer. Wah, suddenly got work to do haha! I’ll just let the universe send me whatever it deems fit then.
Off to work :)
Princess Diaries + Savage Garden
"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."
What Mia’s dad wrote to her for her sixteenth birthday.
well but thank god for the internet
'Ambiguity - not having a new goal in mind - is stressful.'
‘ I guess I feel scared. That just makes me disappointed. Bravo to you all though. Many of your stories were inspiring. Maybe it really is about the journey.’
‘Not that I’m happy about others’ misery, but it’s good to know I’m not alone. Everyone else just seems to think graduating is the best thing ever. I cried after my last exam, went out to eat by myself, and then went home to be alone and miserable. I thought graduating would be amazing, to finally feel like I’m making progress toward my life goals. Instead I just feel like a piece of shit. I’m vacillating between dysthymia and major depression, and I keep having flashes of suicidal thoughts. I’m working a shit job, got accepted into a mediocre law school, and have no idea how I’m going to function as an adult. Happy graduation…’
‘With the vast majority of students living away from home for the entirety of their university experience, trading new-found independence, power and responsibility for living back at home due to lack of funds can seem like an unnatural step back, or a regression to a pre-university self that was not so in control and independent. For some, returning to home comforts is preferred, but for many, feeling dependent with no real structure feels restrictive.’
‘As hard as it is to stomach at this point in life when all your peers are clawing for a life worthy of envy, accept that everybody is different and follows their own path.’
‘It’s seems impossible to conceive in dark moments like these, but remember that one day you will be the one with the experience landing the job. Your current feelings of inadequacy will then be a distant memory because the funny thing about dreams is that once you reach them you forget what they ever were.’
Had a pretty good day catching up with friends today but I’m feeling really awful now -_-
Trying to stay positive but gosh it is hard. Nobody is really giving me any explicit pressure to go do anything but I just find it hard to breathe. Just feel really stressed out- I think can understand your pain a little better now. Uncharted waters is super intimidating. Feels like every step is wrong, every step is damning. People will tell you things like ,’ just try it out, you never know- maybe you’ll enjoy it’. I think I just have a fear of being miserable, but this attitude is just hemming myself in and making me even more anxious. Maybe happiness occurs when you’re the caged bird. Or maybe familiarity is happiness.
Seems like I’m not as strong as I thought. Am running, running, running and escaping everything. I know I have to eventually face the music. Can feel myself slipping into some kind of angsty darkness- even before anything really starts- maybe the fear just cripples me so much. Even when I surround myself with loved ones and positivity. in the end this is a battle that I gotta fight on my own? God help all of us who are lost and deject.
/edit: maybe there’s too much social pressure to be ‘happy’ in doing what you do and I’m just another victim of this. Yeah that seems to explain things.
- live performances are more about the energy and engaging the audience! delivery is important but yeah just do your best haha
not my best singing lulz but the important thing is to keep calm and just carry on yall…
- charisma- things that set performers apart
- band trust
- I wanna get to the point where every live I do- I can manage to stay relaxed and focused, and concentrate on having fun and bringing this energy to the audience!
Also learnt loads from watching other people perform- take note of the best and things to avoid! Hahah. ONWARD WE GO~~
clap along, if you feel like a room without a roof
LOL THE KIDS WHO JUST JOINED US ON STAGE HAHAHA^^
Had a really fun gig with Jam City today! Practice sessions this week was full of nonsense but so fun :) Thanks guys :D
Also thanks a billion to our supporters for coming down :) And Weixuan for taking these photos!! (brb still crying HAHAHA —- he kena saboed by us to take part in this Indian Dance segment on stage— such good friends he has….)
Also charmed an auntie with my puppy eyes and scored us a box of free ice cream omgah life <3 HAHA love yall hope you had a good weekend too! love xx
if I see you next to never/how can we say forever?
Hahha ^ our last minute song change!
Woke up at 5 am today-slept early in a bid to reverse my body clock. Finished reading World War Z yesterday!! Arghh haha so unprepared for a zombie attack. Haha need to put a weapon in my house to blast some brains in case of emergency.
Went back to CAPT to practise- so much nonsense going on hahaha hope I don’t break down and laugh during the performance LOL!! The band is cray cray. Perf tmr! Yay :D
Then Junhao Chenchuan and I headed to Foodclique for lunch haha was soooo huungry. Ended up hobo-ing there for hours just talking and talking haha!! :D Apparently we are waterfalls, so refreshing. HAHA d’awws
I am… an escapist. Have started to tell people who ask me about my job search that ‘I will start looking in August’- sounds more legit than ’ I just don’t wanna work yet’ and it buys me more time really HAHA. Well I just need to tie up some loose ends now and like, enjoy my summer holiday!!
Met Joshua at the bus stop- haha so stoned from intern work! Everybody is going to Canada for SEP next semester- JH, Matt, Wenyi, Carol, Joshua, and more!! :O
Then went home to pick up some omiyage and headed to Kai’s for her bday gathering :))
YAY! So good to see everybody. We had a feast cooking meat & steamboating, followed by more snacks and drinks. Lol. KAI LIN HAS TWO NEW ALPACAS WHAT IS LIFE
Heheh much love xx