three times tingles

right from wrong

This has been a really rough week- physically and emotionally draining. Looking back I’m pretty horrified by my own emotions and behaviour but I guess the least I could do was to try to act rationally & own up to the fact that I have these emotions. Got triggered into the reflective stage by a visual cue- I’m sorry. 知错了。

It has only been Week 2 of school, but I feel very stretched and challenged, sometimes being forced to a corner and mostly feeling rather terrible. I have supportive friends who help me through the brunt of the worst days, and people who help me, care for me, are there to listen to me rant. Thanks for putting up with me. Truly.

But this week was painful because it revealed many aspects of human nature that is just plain ugly. Makes you really think twice about people and what we are all here for. I don’t claim to be a saint but isn’t it human to have flaws? I think doing conscious, deliberate hurtful actions is really…too much.

But I guess without darkness there is no light. Will take some time to internalise everything that has been going on around me- and hopefully.. work something out. 

Things I learnt and tried this week.

  • Asking for help.
  • Allow myself to receive the help.
  • I possibly take pride in being a night owl. Lame wounded badge.
  • It’s all about human relationships. If this isn’t the biggest thing in life, then what is? It can’t be money, can’t be something material, nor something as abstract as ideas. 
  • I stood by what I believed in and at that point I know I have no regrets.
  • There are many things I wish I could do better, manage better, troubleshoot better. But I accept my limits and that is all.
  • Sorry for neglecting everybody out there. To be fair I have not even seen /hung out with my family for 1-2 weeks. Heading home tomorrow, so yay for that.
  • Thanks for putting up with me, seriously.
  • I appreciate it.
#blogpost    

when I walk out of this I will walk out with my head held high, unapologetic, and my conscience clear.

#blogpost    #that's all.    

days

Can’t sleep, so here’s a post! Only day FOUR of school, and I’m already a little worn out. 

Been very anxious and worried over the musical things- haha I guess sometimes I get overly anxious about things I cannot control. Ah well. But anyway so thankful for pillars of support, you guys ROCK.

Went back to training- haha I definitely missed throwing. And fielding. And batting. And the sky and open field. Yep.

Also played basketball with CAPT friends.. am glad we found each other and just chill and spend our school days together :)) 

Also started YWV project meetings and I hope we get things going :))

SCHOOL! has been okay so far! Quite like the modules I have chosen this semester though the workload is pretty heavy and I haven’t started due to all the mad activity here in CAPT. I can feel it in my bones that this will be a fun semester though ;)

And bye now!! Loves xoxo

#blogpost    

first day of school ♡

Woke up early in the morning and headed to school! Moving in tomorrow so all I brought was my pet cacti hahaha. The train was really crowded- this is why travelling during the peak hour is baaaaad.

Finally reached school but the check in for capt had such a long queue!!! Abandoned that plan and went to submit forms and head to my first class at SDE. Thats my aki gem, Reading Visual Images- as recommended to me by my seniors Eriks & Li en! Was thinking how I was gonna find the lecture hall when whoohoo! Heng heng met Darren on the shuttle bus. And turns out hes going to somewhere near can you say PHEWWW. btw: SDE: theres a *new* foosball table on the 4th floor :O

So anyway today’s highlight of my ootd is my new Bershka top that I bought w the s2 girls in bugis! It was on sale. Me likes grey + leather now. Was feeling cold though it was long sleeved haha D:

Then was milling around when new exchange student (from SMU, no less) Jeia called to doudou feng. The bad influence girl managed to convince Ong to skip class hahahaha. So we just drove around and chilled Lol damn free hor.

Went to meet Huiyi!! who gave me a really huge bag with a lot of presents! ohman I damn paiseh but I love love love everything! So pretty and yummy!!! I now own a fondue set omg. Please BYOFruits and we’ll have a tea party in my room. :)

Had lunch with jojo too :) Haha haven’t ate in the deck for evarrr. Also bumped into Louise and Michelle, yay to meeting old friends :)

Had class with Chris- things are gonna be interesting in this small class! And I thought 60 people was a small lecture class- until today where we have about 25 max. So much to read up on, here we go China!!! Gonna helluva blast. (And our prof has some impressive children who go to Duke and York university…mmms. You can totally hear the pride in her voice.)

Moar to come! German books are an expensive bomb but haha what’s new really. Gonna learn the foundation well then hopefully get some recluse time to revise all my languages. I just wanna like hole up somewhere and read everything.

Went back to check in into CAPT, had a short meeting with Prachi (cute room!!), visited my neighbours to say hi, and shifted furniture around the room to create something new. Haha. Quite dumb layout though it’s the the LAN port is beside my bed and the other wall sockets are now behind the clothes closet. Yeah smart smart. Anyway I’m going to name my cactuses Kirk & Spock. And my laptop is called USS Enterprise. I know right geeky x ten thousand.

Seeyou! I’m so tired and it’s only the first day of my last semester.

#blogpost    

list

  • german
  • drums
  • beatboxing
  • diaphragm 
  • live perfs
  • copywriting 
#blogpost    

every time you turn the lights out//

wooots rocking to a Britney Evolution by Ahmir :D

These few days have been spent on working at the cookie shop, The Wooden Spoon! Was very fun working with Wenx & relatives :)) Everybody is really nice- lol I kept being fed -baos, rice, snacks and of course, the cookies we make. HAHA. 

Nomnomnom I have always wanted to work at a bakery so this was really cool! Pay isn’t awesome but I really enjoy my time there! Reminds me of my own ama & relatives with all the chinese & hokkien. The only bad thing is the radio which keeps playing CNY songs & pretty boring DJs ~_~~ But I guess my chinese improved just a little bit. Haha :)

Moving back to school real soon, got all my modules! Am doing two sociology modules, German I, Capstone & my AKi mod Reading Visual Images!! 

Am prepared to live it up this semester- LET’S GO! It’s also my last freaking school year so let’s end this with a blast.

#blogpost    

*shrugs*

Not very sure where this is going but lol I know it will be fun to say the least?!?!?! 

God knows when I will move onto something else- but then again, we never know! So I’m just gonna hang on tight and do whatevs.

Thanks for hanging around. <3

#blogpost    

Did another cover- 2014 is the year for singing & gigs! <3

Kind of like the start of an incredible journey. 

Kinda apprehensive as well because.. we all know what happens when I suddenly like something a lot- it generally fizzles out (ahem HEARTMagazine). Peters out. Burns out. Yep. You get the idea.

So I hope to sustain this and grow with it! Let’s do this.

#blogpost    #music    #skyesoon    #acoustic    #cover    

sanity

Not keeping it- thank god for good music, will truly die of some kind of mind madness without it.

2014 just started, I am equal parts optimistic and frustrated. Life’s worries- changes every day, every year. When they are the same issues day in day out- there’s definitely a huge problem!!

As I get older- I find it harder to find things to root and anchor myself to- nothing to keep me really really grounded. Too much freedom can be a bad idea- need to find my calm, my pillars, my rocks. 

What if I’m just degenerating in reverse? Like becoming whoever I was as a teen- I don’t feel less angsty at all.

ok in sum this post is like: RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 

#notevensorry

#blogpost    

three-timing

Finished off two books today and am currently three-timing 3 others.. hahaha. I read fiction in one sitting but in 2013 I started getting into biographies and non-fiction, and these can’t keep me seated for long. They’re really informative though, and I have learnt tons.

Ended my Goodreads challenge on a good note. 85/100 ! My highest book count so far! *applause* My previous records were 62 and 69. So this is definitely a good run!!! Am quite pleased with myself but am mostly just happy to be reading. I love reading.

The kindle definitely helped, especially when I’m overseas! But mostly I still love paperbacks and hardcovers, simply because I can pick them off the shelf and not have to be too specific when trying to download things. I like to browse!! And pick fresh books off the “Newly Arrived” shelf :)

I can tell 2014 will be a very exciting one. Tumultuous even, but nothing we can’t handle together. Go you! Go me!  :)

#blogpost    

not the best idea.

So…post-Juno I went to watch Ruby Sparks. What a bad idea.. I guess I should have known better.

SPOILERS ALL OVER SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Ruby Sparks is literally a figment of this successful author’s imagination. Then one day she appears in his house. His life. He is shocked, he thinks he’s going crazy but eventually they start living together and it’s ACTUALLY REAL!! 

What is Ruby like? Ruby is the wild girl-messy x quirky but really pretty type. Paul (the author) tries to control her- when she tries to leave him he writes stuff like ‘she is miserable without him around’- and instantly she becomes clingy. 

Eventually this stuff unravels an one day Paul lets Ruby know that he created her, and she doesn’t believe it (duh?) He demonstrates and honestly that scene really disturbed me and it got kinda psychotic and creepy.

So anyway my verdict is to watch Juno.

/nah this doesn’t end here.

things to take away from Ruby Sparks:

  • Writing is important. Don’t let the pressure get to you. When I was young I wanted to write some long lasting story that would be immortalised like fairy-tales that lasted for centuries… came up with something rather lame and half-hearted. I was terrified. How the hell does someone write something ? I was scared to write things that would let my readers go like ’ is she writing about herself?” and things like that. 
  • I wouldn’t say I broke through that.. nowadays I just admit yeah there is plenty of me in my writings, whatever I write. In my copy, my essays, my texts, my blogposts. The short stories I write are kept ambiguous because I’m not sure who these characters are. I’m afraid to meet them. To create them. Because they reflect everything in my mind and do you know how vulnerable that is to air everything in the world?
  • Maybe that’s why people write under pseudonyms.

More about Juno:

  • Fiction moulds your life.
  • I wrote about this before- but in my ideal world my best friend(s) hang out together in their houses/rooms, drink orange juice and lead a very americana life… have long lockers (yeah imagine my joy when we had them in senior high) They share mixtapes and talk all night. Yeah I know, we have our asian version but heyy this ain’t the same. Plus , now people TEXT . (I know I sound like a snob but I do miss talking on the phone a lot~~..)
  • And of course I’ll have the biggest crushes on boys in music bands and maybe have my own band in my garage.. hahahaha.
  • Maybe the best thing about all these are that… fiction is so much exciting and stress-free than reality. Reality is sometimes more drab, we’re wrapped up in minute details.
  • In movies everything however is like boom boom snap. If I were a movie character (or even like a game character like Wreck it Ralph, ) I’ll be hella frustrated.. Living life in a loop.
  • SO. Please do enjoy your life as a free being. If you have your thoughts intact, your free will and agency, you are .. sorta free.
  • What is real, really?
  • I mean you could be an AI character in a computer game and you’ll never know.
  • And for all you know there exists maximum irony in you even writing about AI computer characters and maybe discussing their fates, when they may be referring to yourself.
  • But just saying, what I am reading now- you are your own person and you’re not controlled by anything. 
  • But your own mind.
  • Scary to think about it actually.
  • 1. either a god exists in every body, and each body is a vessel
  • 2. or we’re just slaves to higher powers in the end, led to think otherwise.
  • who knows the truth?
  • and even if you know, what can you do about it? 

/endpost

#blogpost    

perfect movie is perfect.

REALLY DIGGIN JUNOOOOOOOOO :D I’m so happy because the soundtrack is thie shizz too.

<3

p.s. love ellen but love love love love michael cera ( CUTEST! INDIE! ACTOR! —-> as scott pilgrim & nick (in nick & norah) <3)

p.p.s. happy new year guys :)

there are so many things I love about this movie!

  • other than the gorgeous and adorbz cast
  • the lovely music. thumbs freaaaaking up.
  • the last scene oh mannnn me hearts jam sessions and guitars on bikes
  • and mixtapes
  • and hanging out in rooms
  • and doing lame shit
  • and cheesy lines
  • and that she doesn’t care about what other people think.
  • im smiling like ^_^
#fangirl    #blogpost    

you don’t know happiness until you know pain

Today was ugly.

I’ll say if I could, I would handle things better, with more grace, but no. Things are over, done, and I accept it. Maybe we didn’t take the best route but we are there.

Would continue to hate myself but thanks for forgiving me so I can even begin to forgive myself and treat myself a little gentler.

Meanwhile, spitefulgirl_92 is not. impressed.

^see this is why I’m not as mature as you think I am

also thanks 1000000x to everybody who helped out today, + if you were cooperative! you’re a star, and I appreciate your help and support.

#blogpost    

r e s i s t a n c e

the only barrier to a better tomorrow is yourself

but seriously what’s to stop me from staying right here in this comfortable, familiar spot?

(p.s. I can spin my own spiel of encouragement, but thanks anyway)

***Here’s a version of what goes on in my head. Extended version. (It’s very difficult to stay completely negative when the optimist mare in you is like neighing like a crazy bitch, with all the words golden and sunny.)

You just need to take a leap of faith. To have that little dash of courage. Staying where you are means you have no growth.

So what if I don’t want to grow up? What if I’m fine with my current situation?

Sunny mare is riled, and says: Fine! You love where you are right now, then be that way. But look at all the potential happiness you can have, if only you dared to take a step. To push yourself a little further.

But I’m tired. Empty. Out of fuel.

Then refuel. recharge. Don’t just lie there.

But I want to lie there. To be part of the nothingness.

Lies. You wanted to be more. Just because you couldn’t achieve what you wanted, you decided to give it all up. Now that’s just brat behaviour.

Then let me be that way. Brat, half-assed, half-hearted, with that half empty , half-achieved bucket of broken dreams. 

You know you can do more.

But I don’t wish to anymore. There’s no point. What is life when you cannot find the meaning? Don’t tell me the point is to find meaning, or that meaning is illusory, and life is a process. We do not believe that crap.

You’re just in a rut. This will pass.

This isn’t even the first time. Maybe I’ll get excited over something again but sooner or later everything will fade, and we will return to where we are. What is the point? (This is getting cyclical, and also like Waiting for Godot. Do you not feel the increasing, pervasive sense of futility?)

Hey…

I just don’t want to try anymore.

Fine. I refuse to talk to you any further, your mind is set in stone.

Hey, you’re not supposed to give up on me.

(end)

#blogpost    

there must be more to life than this

Christmas just passed- but I can’t help but feel rather dreary and uninspired. I view everything as a terrible commitment, time-sucker, energy-sucker, bore etc… Sounds pretty lethargic and awful, does it not?

I know a mindset change is required but it gets so tiring to chase after things, dreams, goals, people, all the time. (Maybe I’m experiencing the dip.) But what happens if this lull happens forever and I am never to get out of this rut? *shudders*

Counter argument: It too shall pass.

Well yes indeed but meanwhile life is coasting along at a very uncomfortable pace. I wish I could find something I wanted to throw myself into wholeheartedly and not lead a half-assed existence.

There must be more to life than this.

#blogpost    

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