dream big :)
- outdoors gig
Working on a couple of projects- work, play & learn! I’ll update as they inch towards completion, in case I shoot myself in the foot. All I want to tell you now is that they’re very exciting!
Am on my second week of my second Coursera course- this time I’m doing a seven week program on Drugs /The Addicted Brain. Read the forum and many people take the course to complement their psychology course, or are friends of Bill (AA members, never knew they were referenced in such a way). There are also the oddballs like me who’s just interested. So far, the lecturer makes things easy to understand, and I always wanted to learn more science! Lament the fact that I studied physics instead of biology but I’ll make up for it :) Plus bio would have meant all those chemical names which I’m really bad at- can’t even balance equations properly. Used to dislike science in a sense but now I appreciate its analytical methods ie. methodical sequences in lab etc. Everything is very logical and quite calm, as compared to the constant ambiguity of humanities/social sciences.
So far I have learnt about different drugs, how they work in the body, how they are transmitted etc. How the brain and neurotransmitters work.
Am graduating next week, am kinda distressed that I have to put my family through 2.5 hrs of waiting in the hall just to clap for maybe 10 seconds while I’m on stage. Ohwell. Haha.
It’s a rainy day with James Morrison on the stereo! Sounds really perfect. Rescheduled today cause I did think I overdid it with 4 straight days of sports with my cui stamina haha. (Plus my TOTM hahahahaha)
Just a bit about training before I move on to other things. There were very little people at training yesterday! 8 in total (girls/guys) but later some people joined late- Pam and Kiamin hahaha. Dawww I haven’t seen Pam since forever. Joanne was have a great field day! While I just berate myself for sucking haha. Ohwells *shrugs*
Was super moody maybe due to physiological reasons but aisssh. Thank you Oli for your kind words and a reminder of what I should be. Myself. Lately I have been trying to be myself while negotiating a space to be a friend.. But sometimes the two do not match and I feel this uncomfortable gap. But when I bridge it sometimes I wonder if my friends can tahan or not. Like my egoism, my behaviour, etc. But then I decided, again, that screw it lol take it or leave it. I’m not going to change myself to fit your mould… If you cease to love me then so be it. You can continue to love that apparition of me. For my newer, and male friends- actually I treat you guys very differently haha. I totally hold back because you are guys haha. I guess there are boundaries but if I am being real enough I’m just going to step across some to love you better as a friend ;) So for everyone’s sake please chill the hell out I’m not trying to jio you okthxbye.
For people who have stood by me through the test of time, thanks for being here :) Truly truly truly. We have all changed with the circumstances of time, but I don’t doubt my love for you and you shouldn’t either. Thanks :)
Just thought about it and I think my metabolism has started to slow down. Used to eat so much during the semester, probably cause I was exercising a lot. Usually I get at least one bball session per week, plus the two days of softball trainings, and maybe swimming/blading on weekends. Now I just feel fuller and I eat so much less that it freaks the CAPT buddies out cause they see me pigging out all the time. Eating is such a personal thing. To know someone’s eating habits/preferences is to know someone quite well I should think!
My stamina now is completely shit, I have never felt so awful physically haha. I never knew that not exercising for just a month would be so disastrous. Thankfully muscles still remember how to throw balls and stuff so yay.
Meanwhile; People ask me like oh I’m still playing softball even though I have graduated? Then I’m just like yeah. I don’t know if I can keep up with trainings but nothing has ever stopped me- my commitment is 100% when my heart is in it. But if I want to continue to play I want to improve, improve, improve.
Well: this week’s sports sched—->
FRI (KINDA LIKE A BREAK)
Swimming is my rehab- only did 20 laps the previous but it’s a warm up! I needed to pee and I didn’t wanna pee in the pool. Lol. Will up up up strength!! IDK how also but I need to up arm power so I can improve my batting and throwing. Being strong AND young is the bestest feeling ever I think! :D Must embrace my youth and health when I still possess it.
Bought new FBTs today yoz let’s get cracking. And the exercise monster/aka my fitness coach is back in town so WOOTS! Let’s go crazy.
sports anime always makes me wanna wake up at 5am and go running or something
Also I have been watching a Volleyball series which I kept seeing in Japan- Haikyuu!
The first time I was just listening to the OP then I was like… damn it this sounds like Spyair. AND IT WAS HAHAHA *_* JOY
Love their sound! I think Ike really makes the best of his voice, though he’s suffering from the vocal thing. Really impressed with their live shows ahh. *_*#blogpost
Haha. Alright so this is my longest video to date. It is ONE FREAKING HOUR LONG!!!
Finally managed to face Beauty World in its face and compile all the behind the scenes. In the end I guess though I wish I did some things differently I have finally gotten to the point where I don’t feel any more resentment or angst about it. I’m glad that I collected videos a long time back, and that I started on this project. I’m even more glad that I finally found some closure over all the hurt and inadequacy of myself over the couple of months.
I hope this video brings back good memories for those who watch it, and yeah I had fun making it! Guess which is my favourite part during editing? Haha :)
//Tech talk: How I did this video: Everything was shot by my trusty red point & shoot Canon, and edited through Corel’s Video Studio. I downloaded it on trial so I still have 20 days or so left. I intend to use the remaining days on my other video project that has been languishing in the depths of my hard drive, Honestly I got kinda sian editing this video sometimes cuz every review is more than 1 hour long. Also because of my decision to subtitle it with the basis of some content/meaning being lost due to poor sound, means I review every second like too many times. But I thought the subtitling was important, and that was why I pushed myself to do this tedious thankless job. Got a little sloppy eventually but haha. Whateves *shrugs*.
I think I watched each segment like 8-10 times, from filtering from the start to editing and cutting. I don’t proclaim myself to be really good at video-making- very amateur imo, but working with limited footage and one camera perspective has its challenges. Not very proud of the music choices either- I changed them because Youtube put some copyright claims on it the first time. Then later they found more things to screw me over so I was like ok lor, and clicked the Acknowledge 3rd Party Content. And now I don’t have full rights I guess to this video- and people like Universal Music Group (UMG) who owns the songs can place advertisements on my video. Oh well.
Rendering happened while I slept- about 6-7 hours maybe? Then Youtube processing and all the jazz. Did it twice because of the edits as well. I don’t regret any of the time spent making this video though if I really go count the hours it might be considerably ‘a lot’ to some people. Like I said I had fun :) Though it would be perfect if I had other footage, like meetings, more honest words and updates on situations, and things that make it more… fleshy in content. But life is not perfect and I think this is okay :)
Popped by Toby’s for a bit just to catch up with my simins :)
Let me show you the difference in our photography skills.
This is me:
This is Leelee:
Don’t play play hor. Hahhahaha
Then I went to play basketball with the CAPT people! Props to those who travelled from the West and the baikai who drove over haha 有心啦.
HAHA zomg no stamina la my god I hate this haha NEVER. NEVER. NEVER go without exercise for such a long time ok guys?! You will experience this awful frustration of trying to catch your breath all the time. Yay to bball and 100 plus :>
Sadly my charkwayteow stall was CLOSED (I knew it.) and the prawn mee stall toooooo lonnnnnnnnng queue so I ate kuaytiao soup instead. Used to be my fave but nah, I have totally went to the dark side of unhealthier things.
Hung out till late hahaha and caught some of the last buses :D Went walking around without much aim & bummed around at Macs. Aiyah time passes so fast daww ;/ Never knew there was a Geylang River whut. So hapz haha.
OK BACK TO EXISTENTIALISM BYE
Hoshino-san, a haikyoist Japanese can see ghosts. I decided to interview her about her ability and experiences.
This is a bit creepy but very interesting! Saw it on my FB feed by Yeling. I didn’t know suicide and being killed means you cannot enter the other world.
Is there a difference between Spirits and Ghosts?
Ghosts are more like youkai, they can only appear at one place, because they are born from that place so they are linked and trapped there.
Spirits, on the other hand, do not belong anywhere. Thus they can travel around, even follow you and get attached to/possess you
So I’m reading this book, How to be an Existentialist by Gary Cox. It’s one of the two books about Existentialism I borrowed from the library. This one is the hipper, friendly version, while the other book is more scholarly. Starting with this because I needed to ease myself in with these huge concepts first.
SO FAR some of the takeaways I gleaned:
A person can never surrender his freedom. He can never make himself an object causally determined by the physical world because the very project of surrender, the very attempt to render himself causally determined, must be a free choice of himself. A person can never not choose, because as as Sartre says, ‘Not to choose is , in fact, to choose not to choose’.
Okay lol that’s what I got from 49 pages so far! More to come.
Thoughts so far:
I may have come across some of what the book said earlier in life and this gave me a lot of perspective in response to life events. I think I always say this but the passing of my granddad, then my grandmother were turning points in my life. Once you see death everything else is really trivialised and you know that life is short. Other things in this book- I can see myself resisting social pressure so that I can be free to do what I enjoy. I will take responsibility for myself and not blame anybody or society for offering too many possibilities and choices.
Since life is short I just would like to do three things.
/edit: I finished the book. It’s a rather short book haha.
More thoughts: If existentialism requires people to take responsibility for all their actions, then let us question Christianity and other faiths, where all responsibility of life seems to rest on the divine beings. Either 1. this is bad faith because you think god is making a choice for you, when in all technicality you are making your own choices, or maybe, 2. you just don’t want to think so much about life maybe and hence you pray for someone , something else to help solve your troubles (things I come across in Sociology & Religion.)
Much to think about.
Was too self absorbed today and forgot to be kind. Tsk tsk
Just came back from the library! Today’s stash: 10! 11 pictured here, if you count the Chinese book I bought (ironically, translated from Japanese) which I’m only a quarter through.
CAN’T WAIT TO START READING YAY :D
Also flipped through some Birthday books - HAHA more specific than the usual astrology stuff I read online.
Some stuff I gleaned- Apparently I need to balance my hedonistic life where I enjoy the good things in life with excess, am a born flirt that attracts both males and females, am a Peter Pan type- I do not intend to grow up, ever. The funniest things this book said was: My color is PINK (my secret favourite colour), animal is HORSE (<—- LOL GUYS) and flora is RED ROSE haha (my favourite flower.).and my trait was that I was good at making people feel comfortable (what someone once wrote to me in a message o_o) How strange yeah?#blogpost #books
Just got back home. Lots of feels and anxiety so I need to unleash it.
I don’t know man. I just feel a lot of pressure these days. Everywhere. Even when people are not asking me questions with motives. Like simple questions like who are you going to meet can give me anxiety cause I think you’re gonna judge me. I think that I’m just scared. I don’t even remember being so scared in my life. Scared to fail? Scared to suck? Scared to make the wrong choices? I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. I mean like the ‘me’ I have built up and glorified in my head is like courageous and does not care if other judge me. Life is changing. I am changing.
Maybe it’s the uncertainty. All along in my life, answers came to me. Maybe not always easily but I always come to decisions using my gut. Like major decisions as a kid were my choices of my secondary school and university and my course. I just knew.
This time, it’s so much more difficult than I expected. I…never thought it would be so hard. (nobody said it would be easy//) It’s like a rebel spends his life rebelling against the authorities and once you take the authorities away, or that they actually fall, the rebel loses his identity. It’s like you spend your life against the box trying to go against the grain but … when you’re finally out of the system, you’re so lost, you die. I think I thrive on institutions and a certain degree of familiarity. Come to think of it I experienced upheaval in secondary 3 when we had our new class- it was so different from my previous classes - from p1 to sec2… I hated school, SJ, everything. HSM told me this before. I just . shut down.
I know when I look back at this stage I’ll just be like haha what the hell but right now it really sucks. It really really sucks.
I keep telling myself this too shall pass. I feel ashamed that I cannot cope with this as an adult. But then I also really feel lost. And that people don’t hold it against me or are just nice or maybe sensitive about it- IDK. Maybe I just need someone to scold me or maybe some circumstance to force me into action. I think waiting for something to fall into my lap is damn lame and fat hope. I’m sorry if I’m hurting anyone but I can’t help it. I don’t want you to feel sad for me- what is this nonsense about sharing the burden man. You can be spared my pain and misery, go live a happy life. And I hate to say it but I don’t think anyone can help me through this anyway. So maybe just leave me be.
The pressure to be happy and whoever I am just. gets to me. I don’t know what I have been building in my mind- maybe I really think I am infallible or strong- when in the end I just crumble to bits mentally anyway.
It’s not even about people around me- they’re super supportive and loving and caring. I’m lucky to have them, but right now I just can’t. I just don’t like who I am now and what I am becoming.
The worst thing is not knowing what I want. Everything is stopgap. Exercise is stopgap. Going out with friends is stopgap. Projects are stopgap. I have no. idea. what. I. want.
I know one way out is to like, live in the present and stop living in the anxieties tomorrow. It is fking hard. It’s hard when it’s reality. It’s hard when you actually have to do it. I think sometimes we come to a part in life where you just doubt everything. Existentialism if you may, but really, what is the point right? Or quoting Fault, maybe there is no point.
God knows I have no answers, or maybe I just don’t want to see them. Wallowing and self-destruction is not new to me and I’m trying not to fall back into dreary days but yeah. I realise CAPT helped me so much. Like maybe at night I’m so tired from socialising and playing that I actually go to sleep. Or that I feel loved and secure most of the time. And I had a purpose and easy goal- to go to school, to study, to spend times with friends. Instead of thinking so much. Too much free time is.. bad. Idle is evil.
Maybe the worst thing is not wanting to try anymore. I think the saddest part is when you give up. And when you feel like all these worries are small trivial matters that shouldn’t even occupy so much space and attention. (But I can’t trivialise it. It’s my life. Maybe I’m really missing the bigger picture here but RIGHT NOW IT’S HARD)
Just… would like the heavy constriction in my chest to untwist itself and let me really have a peace of mind. Not sure if time and retreating would help argh but what to do but to keep moving. Fake it till you make it maybe.
This blogpost is mainly gonna be about training yesterday. Oh god.
The only softball training I had over the holidays in a couple of months was from like, watching Ace of Diamond (a baseball anime). LOL. WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF BREATH. Every few minutes I went to take a break to catch my breath HAHA (before the actual training started…)
Threw a bit with Abby, 全身发冷 damn it I was going at it hard -_-“ Not exercising for so long and suddenly coming back to training can only be described in one word: PAINFUL
Did some base throwing though with some errors but life is okay. Caught some flyballs. Life is ok. Cannot pitch bat - my body cannot catch up with my mind and body.
Went home aching all over but as cliche as it sounds I feel alive.
And it was good seeing my team mates again. The new captains are doing their jobs (keep it up!) and it’s just like , damn, a lifetime has passed and everything has changed.
I won’t leave the house if I can help it, but I need to stock up on some food first- I am so going to die without instant noodles yo. Soooo don’t be offended if I don’t feel like going out- I don’t hate you I just don’t wanna move yeah?