some recent thoughts:
My newest “way of life” revolves around not accumulating things, practising what I term as ‘zen’ and basically being more peaceful and leading a less hurried and fuller life. My favourite things include detoxing my closet, throwing things, and the only things I buy nowadays are stationery and food. The clothes I buy? House hoodie and fbts. I am inspired by people who own like, 50 things. Just 50 necessities they need. Socks count. Toothbrushes count. It’s amazing! I don’t want to be owned by my belongings, much less chase brands and such. I don’t think I will ever hit the 50 mark but I will definitely work towards a less cluttered lifestyle.
After the Semakau trip the eco-girl in me awakened and I started to be a little more pro-active in recycling my things. Took a trip to remind me to do these little things that help the environment in small ways.. that might make a difference?
And then again a closer inspection of what I hold dear. A recent observation of me in class= I’m not making any effort to know my classmates better nor try to make friends… I simply don’t care anymore. Kind of appalled by my anti-social behaviour but I know my reasons for it. Just sick of having to make friends and small talk. Put in the context of all my friends, especially those I hang out regularly with in CAPT… I’m just too lazy. I’m… sorry?
Sped-read the book Friendkeeping by Julie Klam today. Spotted it in the ‘New Arrivals’ section and honestly haha I love pouncing on new books. And this is interesting! And easy to finish so I just quickly read it in the library. (Side note: I like libraries but generally they are too cold for me to hang out in. I am a tropics girl through and through.)
The book: reinforced some ideas I already have.. and also the amount of effort we put into relationships, and “being there”. It also broaches the subject of how friends grow apart.. and how regularity and small things matter. I also liked the parts about how she had to deal with illness, or friends with illness, and also her own pregnancy and child. These are such big things in your life and can you retain yourself? One thing she mentioned was how you can always reconnect through common interests. So what happens when your common interest disappears? Like what if my life values change and I find this entire topic to be frivolous and lame? Or we both just don’t want to talk about people we know anymore, we both grew up and are facing new problems. What happens then?
One thing I really identified with Julie was how she didn’t like sharing her set of problems with her friends, for fear of adding to their burdens. And it’s the “so what” thing. Telling you about my problem doesn’t actually help solve the problem. What Julie says is that… friends like to hear about your problems (oh really..?) and it makes them feel valued. Saw a similar quote today, ‘Ask your parents for advice, it makes them feel needed”. Sometimes I think I alienate my parents because I am too “independent” and want to solve my problems myself. Guess this started especially after I turned eighteen. But I agree, hearing about my friend’s problems/life does make me feel included in their lives. But maybe we all pick different modes to express ourselves. I figured mine would be writing. (Like Rousseau, haha)
And a second reason why I don’t really like sharing problems- I’m not very receptive to advice or suggestions if it is pertaining to my own life. And if the advice was not asked for or is from someone whom has questionable life problems/habits- I will be super unwilling to listen, or maybe become caustic in attitude. So. Let’s maybe just avoid this entire situation, shall we?
This year has been… eventful. Experienced all sorts of things and might have grown a little bit, changed my worldview a little, adjusted my life values a little. One thing I am pursuing is self-discovery and growth. Some people find it in others, through relationships or travel.. I’m finding myself by firstly giving myself time. Free time to sleep, read, and do whatever I like. Carry conversations with friends, strangers and such. I decided that some commitments were really dragging me down in terms of energy and emotional juice.
Relationship wise…sure I have liked, hung out and went out with people- but mostly the biggest question is usually: do I really like you? And (b) how do I have a meaningful relationship with you when I cannot understand myself and you can hardly understand yourself, much less me? Crushes are crushes, but mostly I don’t see anybody with the same frequency or connection anywhere near in the horizon now. It’s already difficult to find someone like this as a friend, and as a lover? Try harder. So meanwhile I’m just going to work on my issues and hopefully get to meet you dear friend and soulmate.
More realistically I think the whole lover thing.. might never actually happen (hah- not being pessimistic here..) but I will be blessed enough if I have people that I enjoy the company of as I age!
Yes, and I know I don’t need to travel and do anything much in order to ‘find myself’. I’m already here and I just need to awaken my mind. And decide. Always bad at deciding. Most importantly I don’t want to be caught up in too much bothersome things that make me kind of miserable…I mean you might find joy in it but I do not. We appreciate things differently.
Also I am a double standard person. I demand a lot of things from friends whether they know it or not. I expect the same of certain institutions- oh it’s okay for me to be the rebel while you all stay and be the conservative peeps (cause without you how can I be the rebel?) Things like that. Go follow your heart and do things the way you want them! (And when you change and become someone else in process, I get upset.Like I’m the only one that gets to have fun and grow. While you stay the same. Then maybe I hate you for changing but mostly hate myself for hating you. Cause inside it’s so pathetic.) I am aware of these.
So meanwhile let me navigate these and grow in my own slow manner. I have come to terms that… I am not who I might think I am. My flaws to me, are starkly laid out and I don’t really like looking at them. But I know I need to fix them before they hurt more people. My quest to find myself, should do not active harm to anybody.
With this I bid you goodnight :)