very very very very very very tired.

This year I’m really tied up financially-so consciously I try to save on everything- transport, food etc.

Somehow became a good habit cause I don’t really feel the need to buy anything now. Clothes, makeup, stationery, candy and snacks,cute things etc. It’s a good thing no? :) And it makes it super super pleasant to receive gifts cause i have less ‘new’ things now.

Think it’s a refreshing thing to not want anything. A step away from the consumer culture! :)

Next up: going to detox my room once again- time to throw out things and live in a more minimalist way. I don’t want to be defined by the things I own.

Was chatting to Papa about this topic over lunch today:

Things you can reincarnate into, in Buddhist beliefs:

1. Animals

2.Spirits/Ghosts

3. Humans

4. Arhats (Luo Han)

5. Bodhisattvas (Pu Sa)

There’s probably finer distinctions and all but was just wondering where my grandparents are now! Wonder which realm they are in right now. Miss you, my ahgongs and ama! <3 I hope you are having a good life wherever you are now :)

Listening to Demi’s new single- Heart Attack 

Days have been great! Recess week has been spent playing, studying, finishing up assignments. Highlights of the week thus far: The zoo trip with Angsana friends! It’s for my module and I really had fun- the pandas were adorable. Also got the chance to see a new baby manatee, only 4 days old! How cute?!?!?! 

(Also saw one of the bigger manatees POOP haha first times eh?!)
An elephant pooped halfway through the show- we sat on the first row of benches (the splash zone, lol). Was really tired after the trip though! Nice to know my hall mates better. Here’s a shout out to CC, Kal, Lee Yin & Joel!   

Daphne and Hoyee came by too! Thanks for the plain vanilla salted caramel cupcake :)) Haha smart people know I would prefer that to Red Velvet ;) Also the stalker Hoyee is damn scary. Brought them to see see look look around my place and she actually identified my basket of toiletries from a shelf full of baskets. Sick siol ?!?!! LOL. Not like my basket had anything special. Stalker jiu shi stalker hahaha!!!

Tuesday night was ELLIE GOULDING’S CONCERT. A billion thanks to Kokswee for helping me get the autograph pass :))) Almost forgot to bring the tickets hahaha. Ellie was fking awesome live. Her acoustic sets were super touching :< Her dancing is really cute too! Overall I had a really great night. Got stranded w/ Shao ren after queuing for the autograph hahaha so we just chilled till late. Thanks for a fun day :> I can’t believe I got to see her live. Spazzed for the longest time. 

The next day was morning training lol -_-“. Bad fielding, bad batting- but hey hello new throwing!! Thanks Li En for helping me out seriously!! Achievement freaking unlocked. Have never really felt my hip/back muscle at work before. HAHA. And also to Zesa for pointing this out in the first place. Ran two rounds around the field, I prefer this to track running haha. Though I’m still running slowly, I can feel my legs strengthening haha. And again, I don’t hate running that much anymore. 

Spent the rest of the day napping hahaha was so tired from lack of sleep and training haha. Then we had guitarpella practice! We arranged our mashups. There are new amps and a keyboard in the room! How awesome new toys :)

Went home, always good to be home and see the fam, though just for a little. Brought back some fruits to A! Gaining back weight :’(

Also: somewhere last week: met up with Leelee before she flew back to Shanghai for school. Thanks for the ice cream treat sweetie <3 I’d miss you tons. 

Gonna finish up my assignments now- BYE!!!

<3

Familiar voices that are always a comfort :) Enjoying studying time with smooth voices like Usher & UponCollide. 

Had great meals! The perks of being home. Papa cooked steak and today we had stingray (super juicy and succulent) and other spicy things at Newton. Hahah a short stay at home only but okay. My bed at home is really the. best. <3

A packed week of studies & friends & ELLIE ahead! Have a good recess week friends!!

these are my confessions

In my mind, in hindsight I might have tried to attribute blame. But then in the end I get really fed up and just be like ‘Okay it’s alll my fault la, now can you leave?!’ (another voice tells me to stop giving up on people so quickly)

Well hello hello :) 

I believe I sorted out some drama by 

1. shoving it under a rug

LOL. Well so far so good HAHA :)

I think the moment you let go and just live- it’s so so sooooo much easier to breathe.

Had two birthday celebrations this week, we surprised Serene at her house at 12am!! It was really fun :) Love y’all!! <3

Then Joanne threw an awesome party at MacDonalds… HAHAH we played kiddy games and wore paper crowns. It was fun seeing everyone from DHS as well haha x)

Fell sick midway through the week :( Was a really terrible painful and uncomfortable day. Slept it all away and skipped training D:

But okay lol today’s training! We did 5 rounds! I have to honestly say that I have a lotttt of energy left. Just that my momentum is just sloooooow. Hopefully get to go swimming tomorrow. Blisters on hands are back :’( And hello new bruises..

BOOKS WISE: Finished reading A Game of Thrones. Yay love this stuff. I have my favourites (Arya, Jon, Tyrion…) already, hope the on screen versions are good and yummy :3 Halfway through Neil Gaiman’s Stardust now, always wanted to see what the fuss was about (for the movie at least.)

Gonna go full speed ahead for studies once I get back in hall. School is kinda brighter now- tutorials are getting livelier and it’s always nice to see friendly or familiar faces :> Managing to stay awake for longer periods as well! Score one for TH!!!

ALSO! Guitarpella formed new groups for the Open House performances, we have a couple of mashups so I’m looking forward to that. Cheri (this new girl I met) taught me new chords (Bminor, C#minor, F#minor, an easier B) and shit and I also learned new songs. FFFFFyeah. 

Meanwhile…… just don’t hold your breath guys. I’m just gonna whack stuff and do things the way I like: ie. when I feel like it.

8-10 more weeks of life in angsana boooo :’(

Also a big shout out to Yilin and Linghong for being there for me at inane hours of the night <3 

Gonna scoot off now BYE

Argh have been kind of frustrated recently and yesterday night I think I found the root cause of it all. Weak will and huge ego and pride issues- I’m just making things difficult for myself (self-sabotage again) and my mind is like all righteous and shit, tell me what I am doing is right and good for myself.

Perhaps so. I really don’t blame myself for being on my guard. You toy with my trust. 

Gonna break clean and train focus on my studies- projects due and after the career talk yesterday it occurs to me that I might actually have to end up doing honours year if I wanted more options. And I desperately want to feel like I’m putting in effort and getting results now. Don’t like the feeling of being empty, or doing things halfheartedly. I am ashamed at my own progress and weak discipline. Don’t know where the fighting spirit went and I guess all I have been is been fking frivolous the entire year. Time to wake up. I know time is short but I need to face up to reality and responsibilities as well. In the end I think I can never be the carefree hedonist I thought I could be. 

Even if you hate me I don’t care. All you know is one aspect of me. I am made up of so many things. That you frankly can’t be bothered to know about I’m sure. Stealing a Monroe quote: if you can’t handle the worst of me, you sure as hell don’t deserve the best of me. And I don’t want to lose myself. I will never allow this to happen. Not willingly and definitely not without a fight.

Question: What happens when you find yourself but you don’t like what you find?

(a) Retreat and go back to being what you thought you are. 
(but maybe you already lost sight of the starting point, you’d need to start again. Starting from scratch is so tedious and painful but so necessary. )

(b) mope.

Kind of an angsty post but I’m sure you guys kind of missed this no? Haha. As usual, disclaimers; I’d be okay. Let my darkened mood pass and let my restless heart take on the challenges it wants. When I tire I’d back down and the seas will be calm. Haha if I were a goddess my humans would be so torn between loving and hating me- such a capricious attitude and mood. 

Bye guys, gonna catch up with school. Love you all x

how my heart breaks

to hear you cry

how a piece of me died

when you died

how I need to be grateful

for keeping her safe.

thank you

x

on a quest to recover things I’ve lost.

School has honestly been quite a drag. Not very interested in my modules- the subject material just isn’t my thing :( Used to have so much fun reading my ageing notes, or studying for French or Japanese in Bunka. This year I have two disappointing modules and one I didn’t even want in the first place. Not exactly great huh :( The other two are okay only, I don’t feel any magic anywhere. 

Hope next semester I will have more fun learning!!! Time to do another language I am excited :) Also gonna do my breadths and stuff so that would be something more challenging. Going to have to focus more and put in more effort academics wise though.

<3

Today’s reminder of the day: Be still my heart and be content. You have enough and you shall. not. fall. to. greed. 

Today I thank all for the beauty and sunshine in the world :) 

Happy things: READING GAME OF THRONES :>

What I want today differs from what I need tomorrow,

Feel like I lose a bit of myself every day, then slowly discover I grew in other places.

I think I’m just lost. Not even wandering anymore I’m just lost. 

So what the hell do I do now